Progress and Loneliness

I was thinking this morning about loneliness - about not having that one close friend who I could meet with once a week. A friendship I'd had for over 11 years came to an end rather unexpectedly in early December 2008. And while I was surprised that it ended, I was not unhappy about it. Since then, every once in a while, I miss it. I miss going to lunch or meeting for tea... but then I do something I was taught in 12 Step: play the tape through. And when I do that, when I remember all the reasons why I was glad that the friendship ended, then I don't miss it so much.

The epiphany I had this morning was that, in the past, if this had happened, I would have eventually chased it down, made up at the cost of my integrity and maintained an unhealthy relationship, just so I would have that 'friend.' Today, I'd rather wait for a real friend, a friend that I like to be around ALL the time, to come along, instead of 'settling' for that person to fill a space or a perceived need. The growth is that I let it go, and I didn't go back to 'fix it' or to 'make me right.'

I actually have a friend, who is a good friend, and a real friend. She lives farther away than I would like, and that makes it harder to visit on a regular basis, but I know I can trust her - to be honest, and to be quiet; to be real, and to be silly. She is true - messed up, and insecure at times, but living with it, dealing with it, and moving on in spite of it.

I love her - because she is my friend, because she calls me friend, and because if THAT friendship ended - I WOULD be sad, I WOULD miss her, and I WOULD hunt her down and make it right - unless she didn't want me to.

GRATITUDE

Every once in a while, I am reminded by some outside force to list the things I am grateful for - this is to get me out of my head, focused on something other than me and my issues, and to remember that for every annoying thing I perceive in my life, there are about 25 things that are amazing...

My husband, doing the dishes without being asked.
My friend asking me to help with the older kids while she and her husband have the next one.
My teenage son giving me a hug, just because.
My daughter sending me a funny email because it made her think of me.
My dad, who calls and leaves random, uplifting messages on my voicemail.
The job I have, which is pretty secure.
The talent I have to draw, to write, to take photos, to make friends.
The friends I have, who seem to like me for who I am.
The place I live, which has great weather, and the smell of the sea on the wind.
My cat, who is the sweetest cat and her pals, the rat sisters.
A wonderful co-worker, who could be my best friend, if I wasn't so scared to have a best friend at the moment.
A car that runs pretty well, and a job that is close enough that if the car stopped working it would be no big deal.
A class that is over tonight, and I passed. Even the Final Exam.
A mom and a dad and a step mom who love me.
A brother who doesn't need me, but who really loves me and wants to talk to me.
A sister who needs me but doesn't call me much.
A program for living so that I have a list of things to be grateful for...

Peace.