Progress and Loneliness

I was thinking this morning about loneliness - about not having that one close friend who I could meet with once a week. A friendship I'd had for over 11 years came to an end rather unexpectedly in early December 2008. And while I was surprised that it ended, I was not unhappy about it. Since then, every once in a while, I miss it. I miss going to lunch or meeting for tea... but then I do something I was taught in 12 Step: play the tape through. And when I do that, when I remember all the reasons why I was glad that the friendship ended, then I don't miss it so much.

The epiphany I had this morning was that, in the past, if this had happened, I would have eventually chased it down, made up at the cost of my integrity and maintained an unhealthy relationship, just so I would have that 'friend.' Today, I'd rather wait for a real friend, a friend that I like to be around ALL the time, to come along, instead of 'settling' for that person to fill a space or a perceived need. The growth is that I let it go, and I didn't go back to 'fix it' or to 'make me right.'

I actually have a friend, who is a good friend, and a real friend. She lives farther away than I would like, and that makes it harder to visit on a regular basis, but I know I can trust her - to be honest, and to be quiet; to be real, and to be silly. She is true - messed up, and insecure at times, but living with it, dealing with it, and moving on in spite of it.

I love her - because she is my friend, because she calls me friend, and because if THAT friendship ended - I WOULD be sad, I WOULD miss her, and I WOULD hunt her down and make it right - unless she didn't want me to.