Wednesday...have been sick and out of work since Monday. Today I feel much better.

I have a friend who is in the middle of chaos. She might consider divorce. I have been a less than worthy friend. Sometimes when a friend of mine grows in a direction I cannot condone I back off. And this time she dug in deep.

I had to confess to an old lie (silence) and once I did I felt much freer. I have upset my friend's husband though...since the lie (silence) included him. He has become an abusive alcoholic who is into blaming others when he messes up. It is never his fault (he claims). This man, who has not yet attended a school function or personal function of his now 13 year old son actually told a friend that he won't divorce because of the son...such bull*&%$.

So I have offered a shoulder. I sent her an amends about my selfishness while she was in hell. I must also practice rigorous honesty with this old friend. I have discovered that while people have things they'd like to hear - to make them happy and feel likeable --, if those things are not true and only perpetuate 'the stroke factor' (as in we stroked each other and the lies were bearable), then it does more harm in the long run than good. Ya know?

Okay? OKAY!

One more thing...

September 11, 2002: Driving to work...in the next lane is a school bus. I never noticed just how big a school bus is. One filled with explosives? Shit. I was very somber on my way to work.

Nothing but memorials happened this year. And yet the entire world felt like a rubber band, stretched to its limit.

Okay....done.

One more thing and then I'll probably let this go for good and move into the future:

The quiet. Wait...the QUIET. I was born after planes were commonplace. I have never had the pleasure of cocking an ear to the heavens to hear nothing. I've been camping in some remote spots and the silence of nature has ALWAYS been cut by the hum of a plane or a helicopter. Even when I couldn't see the aircraft I could hear it.

The day after the attack and continuing for about a week there were no aircraft. It was so QUIET. In the beginning I missed it. The silence after an entire lifetime of planes flying overhead, a kind of white noise that blends in and is a part of everything. Then I got use to the QUIET and to the clear sky. I was actually irritated when the aircraft were allowed to return to the skies.

I don't think I'll ever forget that week of QUIET and I hope I never hear it again.

Yes, another September 11, 2001 notation:

My significant other and I were laying in the dark last night, discussing the EVENT. We were talking about that first night after the attack. All air flight of any kind had been cancelled indefinately. We were up quite late talking about the EVENT with our children and when we finally went to sleep it was a light sleep, the kind a new mother experiences as she keeps one ear open for the cries of her newborn.

Around 3:30 a.m. here on the Pacific Coast, I woke up rather suddenly. I heard a sound. I heard a plane. Very early in the morning. The day after the EVENT. When ALL flights had been grounded indefinately. I have never felt fear like that before or since. I remember wondering what a plane was doing in the air. Where was the pilot headed and was this a friendly if ignorant pilot or was I going to hear (or later read about) the explosion?

I finally fell asleep again long after the drone of the engines faded.

The next morning our local radio program mentioned the early morning flight, letting all the listeners know that a supply plane had been sent out in the wee hours. They also included an apology from the Armed Services for any panic they may have caused.

Nice of them to let us in on it.

I have given great thought to the question: "What in your life has changed since September 11, 2001?"

I have checked out several blogs on the topic - the general concensus among bloggers is this: "It happened. It's over. Move on."

I ask - how can one move on, if one didn't know where one was to begin with? And to the comment: "It's over!" I reply - Bullshit.

It wasn't over before it happened and it is no closer to closure than it was a year ago. Every day a bus, or a car or a person blows up Afghanistan or a surrounding city. EVERY DAY.

I remember a few months ago, my husband telling me a bus was missing from the Los Angeles Public Bus company - RTD. I thought, So? And then he said one word: Terrorists. And I felt fear. That sucks. It's not over.

It will be different though. I taught my 10 year old child how to escape from three different kinds of buses. How to use the emergency exit on a plane. How to call international numbers - just in case.

I will be different. People who act as if the acts of another nation do not directly affect the USA are ignorant. In denial. Have faith?

I know that I do not think about the ramifications on a daily basis. It comes up when people get together and need a topic. Everyone has a different opinion (really?) of how our President should be handling this thing. I wouldn't want THAT job for anything.

I decided that the things I can change involve me. My health. My future employment. My financial stats. My belief in that higher power. My kindness to others. The example I set for those who observe me.

I was told once by a very wise man that if I change one small thing about me, the world will be changed.

I have a list.

September 11, 2001

It has been almost one year since I received that call at 6:15 a.m. PST from my husband. I was half-awake. I turned the television on, entered the channel for CNN and saw the most unforgetful sight of my life. One of the World Trade Towers was burning. While my children and I watched, a second plane crashed into the other tower. In a span of what seemed like seconds, the two towers burned and then one by one they fell to the street below, crushing coutless firemen and policemen as well as thousands of employees who worked in those towers.

I have no idea how far the distance is between Southern California and New York City, but that morning the distance felt much too close.

Now, today, this past week, into next week, the media begins the 'Where Were YOu?" and "What Have Your Changed About Your LIfe?" segments of this tragedy. This eye-opening event.

There is a song by which contains this line: "It's The End Of The World As We Know It." This line is followed by "...And I Feel Fine."

I feel different. What's different? My innocence is one thing. I no longer look at a certain race of people the same. I attempt to keep an open mind, but it's harder when I read about the daily killings on the other side of the world. Suicide bombers, busses exploding, innocent people killed inthe name of what?

The way I relate to my family is more solid and more real. I still see a future. My future now involves paying attention to where camping supply stores are located, which foods would last longer, and the best way to leave town should the need arise. I believe education is more important than ever, if only to dissipate ignorance. We need to know why a country would cause so much death in the name of an unseen face. A belief in a savior that would encourage this type of 'Love'.

My friends are true friends. No time to make casual acquaintences. It's a waste of my time to hang with people who are not interested in truth and intergrity and high moral and ethical values.

So what is different about me? I remain available to set an example of positive growth - since we never stop learning about the human condition - and I have fewer possessions. Books remain and music, but a broader base of music. I am slowly learning Spanish. I am taking more time with my photographs.

Monday was a bust! Thank God for cable!

I was home sick and while we still have no phone, I made do with the 60 cable channels we signed up for on Saturday. How could so many channels exist with very little substance among them? I'll have to look into this.

Living from paycheck to paycheck is actually a very important to my personal, mental growth. I have learned to live without, and to live within my means. I have discovered the difference between a need and a want. I am enjoying the time my husband and I spend at the grocery store. I am enjoying books again and gardening. Cooking is becoming a diversion too.

I also had my anit-depressant dosage increased and last week I received my first increased dosage. (I take Celexa and I began, for over a year, with 20 mg per day/this was increased to 40 mg per day a week ago) I have noticed an increase in sleepiness and I can't seem to think actively. After a week of this I cut the dose back to 20 mg. (I break the tablets in half) Today I feel in a fog as its the first day at the original dose, but this afternoon I am making better progress.

That's all for now.

God,

Grant me the SERENITY to ACCEPT the things I cannot change,

Grant me the COURAGE to CHANGE the things I can,

and

Grant me the WISDOM to know the difference.

thank you

Where have you been?

I've been busy.

Doin' what?

Living life, man!

No, really - whatcha been up to?

Okay, but remember YOU asked...

I am having a hard time 'letting go' of my teenagers. They have made their choices and I know the choices are hard ones and I want to save them from themselves -- and I know I can't, but my nature doesn't care...because it's in my nature to care and protect my children.

Last night I retrieved my daughter from a motel room where she's been hanging out since Sunday night. I only knew she was 'missing' when her father called me Wednesday evening, asking me if I knew 'where in the hell' our daughter might be hiding.

I went to the motel after calling a friend of hers and told her it was time to go. She assumed she was still watching her younger brother this morning (another story) and got in the van. As I pulled away I told her that I didn't need her to watch her brother after all. She freaked when I calmly told her I was taking her back to her Dad. She argued that she couldn't get in to the room and I told her, again very calmly, that he had made an extra key and it was in the front office (they also live in a motel at this time). She was silent for the rest of the thirty minute drive, only sniffling quietly. I am having a hard time because I can see the listless, directionless path she is on -- using people until they ditch her or toss her out, then moving on to the next set of people to use. It was so hard to be tough and not give in to her suffering. At the resident hotel, I reminded her that she caused her current suffering. I also told her only she could make her life better. I reminded her that getting a job would put money in her pocket. She argued that she was too far wawy from her friends, didn't like the area, why couldn't her Dad live closer to her friends - pretty much whining about her 'victim' role instead of thinking of solutions. I kept my talking brief - which is not easy for me to do - and she reached a point when my words made sense and she couldn't retort so, having heard as much as she wanted, she hid her head in a pillow and told me she didn't want to talk about this topic anymore. I told her she could hide now, but the issue wouldn't die until she did something different. Then I left, leaving her with her father. This morning I called her, as I do after we've both had some time to think, but her Dad told me she was now at her grandmother's, caring for her. He has ditched this responsibility whenever he finds the chance, so I suppose she is taking after him at this moment.

I do want my daughetr to be happy and successful and content and pleased and all that. I also know that her future is up to her. All I can do is be her parent until she's eighteen. Then I'll hear the "I'm an adult now" speech. I'll pray after that.

Other than that, my focus has been on attending to my nine year old and holding my breath between paychecks.

Hey, you asked.

I discovered that I need a plan. I've gotten to the age of 37 without one. I have not planned the children or the life I am currently in...well - to be perfectly honest - I guess my lack of a plan is also a plan -- of inaction.

My first plan is to decide WHO I want to be, what kind of image I wish to reflect to others. I suppose I'll keep the Beer Disposition. I like beer and I drink beer so I am a beer drinker. I am also a very talented assistant and a fair writer. I have an incredible amount of patience when dealing with others. I like all kinds of music - never wanted to be 'niche'd into a particular type of music. I do love the Dave Matthews Band though. I'll keep that part too. I'll post a summary of my personal Plan later this week.

My second plan will be completing the ANNUAL HOUSEHOLD BUDGET. That should always be in capital letters - that's how important it is.

My third plan...well..I'm just going to stick to those two for now. One thing at a time.

We've made through the BIG MOVE! A nice two bedroom castle for the three of us. No more teenagers for a while.

I was listening to a popular morning radio show on the way into work today. I'd missed the interview, but the hosts were all fired up about some self-improvement psycologist spouting his particular brand of sanity. They hooked me with a BRITE SMILE commercial and a great song by the Goo Goo Dolls. When the song ended a little light banter ensued all around (which grabbed some part of me - an ever increasing desire to grow, to change) it was question and answer time for the good doctor. A woman asked him how she could begin to develop her SELF...the part of her that is not Mom or Wife or Employee but the part that is HER. The doctor told her (and this hit so deeply in me) that if she agreed to sacrifice her hobbies, interests and desires that made her happy because she either was told by her OTHER to end those pursuits or, worse, that she assumed those pursuits ended with the new part of her life, then she sold herself down the river. If you are participating in a life you did not agree to and yet you do nothing to improve the situation (but whine about how unfair it all is) than you are doing yourself a greater dis-service than any one person could do to you.

That five minutes of talk radio made a radical change in my thinking.

Last night my husband called to let me know he got home in time to watch his favorite cooking show, but the cable had been shut off (cable television). (Oh, how the s%&t began to hit the fan) He then told me he went to the phone to call the cable company to find out what happened and discovered the phone had been temporarily disconnected. Needless to say (but I will) he became unhappy.

When I got home from work he was upset. Then he asked me to just 'wipe off the icing' and show him the cake - he wanted ALL the bad news. I printed out our current financial situation spreadsheet from the MSExcel program and took it to him. He read the first page (in debt for various household and medical bills piling up = $3600) and was turning red, then he flipped to the credit card page ($10,000) and exploded. He went for a walk. And yet, I wasn't scared. I was not relieved either though. I think the thought was 'okay, now we both know how bad it is, so I guess we can BOTH worry about it now.' I can show him every new bill due now though, without fear, since he knows the worst.

No more secrets now....everything is on the table.

It's Monday....spent all weekend packing. Washed walls, filled holes, threw out trash....

I realize that perhaps I have thrown myself right into the middle of a Catch-22..I started smoking casually...then I started smoking after work...then before work...then during work...while my life became more and more unmanagable, I was unaware, by choice.

Now I am very aware.

Now begins the climb out of it!

Homebound......

I forgot to mention that we found a nice two bedroom apartment very near to the one we live in now. We move next weekend and we aren't telling anyone where we live. They'll have to drag it out of us.

We are considering a move to Portland at the end of the summer.

I do wonder though, knowing how my credit looks, how we beat out five other potential renters. Everything happens for a reason...I just wish I could get the reason in a memo occasionaly.

Fourth of July!!

Woke up at the God-forsaken hour of 6:00 a.m., on my own. No alarm, no small child, no amorous husband. Just a conditioned brain - weekday means 6:00 a.m. wake-up. Okay then.

7:30 a.m. finds us at the local IHOP - International House of Pancakes for you less fortunate folks - ordering breakfast from the 'inexpensive menu'. We had a great breakfast. Husband and son like to doodle to pass the time between ordering and eating. So one will draw a letter and the other will make a picture out of it. Back and forth until the pancakes arrive.

We stopped at the house on our way to the Huntington Beach Fourth of July parade to get jackets, just in case. We are going through the motions at this point. It's the Fourth - our family tradition is to attend the parade. We have every year since the boy was small and regardless of our current situation, we will hang on the that tradition. We found a great parking stop, quite by accident, and walked about a quarter mile to the parade route. The boy found a group of dogs to play with while we waited for the parade to begin. Husband and I discussed our need to relocate to a less expensive climate. He points out that a less expensive climate will include seasons. I shiver. Not at the thought of season; it's cold downtown this Fourth of July morning...a whole 62 degrees...husband laughs and shakes his head. The parade begins and I notice that only Huntington Beach is represented. In years past, many different cities joined the beginning of the parade, each in its respective fire department and law enforcement vehicles. This year however, the cities need their vehicles to protect and serve...their own cities. It brings home, to me anyway, the irreversable changes brought on by the September 11th attacks.

The rest of the day is spent watching "Indiana Jones" movies and sleeping. Son played with his friends. Husband played computer games. We ate a fine steak dinner and headed back to our 'parking find' to watch the fireworks show. It was great and my son, the boy, named each firework pattern as it exploded. We had fun together.

"The Camel's back" or "Help me, I've fallen...."

Man, have I f%&#ed up the finances of my family in a royal way! I find that I keep trying to 'blame' other things for this current situation - kids, husband, bank, new biz, etc. While I am not completely responsible, I am mostly responsible. And I am beginning to fray at the edges...

A single straw: Sunday, after checking the bank account for funds, I went grocery shopping. At the checkout stand the impersonal ATM console calmly read "insufficient amount". I calmly replied, "I know I have enough, so I'll just get cash from the ATM machine". After becoming increasingly frustrated at the machine, I realized something - an order for my new biz to be exact - was holding up the funds. I don't know if you have ever had to ask the kind and patient clerks to restock all those groceries before, but this is the fourth time I've had this happen to me since March. I know its my own fault. It doesn't help. The feeling that accompanies the thought that I am being stared at and judged by total strangers really brings me down.

I went home, pulled some cash from the yard sale cash box and headed to another store, with a shorter list. Problem resloved, for now.

A single straw - we have to move. This was not in the plan and the timing, while never just right, is absolutely horrible right now. Doesn't matter though. We were handed a "THIRTY DAYS TO TERMINATE TENANCY" notice on June 20th. No explanation from the Landlord as to why (they don't have to tell you if they give you 30 days - California law - it protects them from a 'retaliatory eviction' lawsuit). We were upset, we were stressed out, but we didn't know the half of it.

A single straw - I found out, on Saturday, that my step-son ditched the last week of school. Not only did he ditch; he had a party at my house on the 19th (and we were asked to move on the 20th). Typical of a 16 year old boy, you say, and perhaps you're right, except that --
EVERYDAY I asked him how his school day went (he was having trouble with some other boys), how he handled himself, how each class was.
EVERYDAY I offered a shoulder to lean on while he managed a break-up with his girlfriend.
EVERYDAY he lied to me.
And he had a party in our home AFTER many, many instances in the past, and strict instructions that the landlord was not pleased with his lack of respect. He knowingly jeopardized our tenancy and he is the reason we were asked to move. And he lied to my face, to my heart, all week....
I am having a very hard time with this as I bought into his deceit - I trust way too easily and way too much. I believe in the best in people. UGH!

ONWARD :
We found a place to live. We gave a $1000 deposit Today. We may get to move in before the holiday weekend.

The new landlord will expect the rent - we won't have it until July 12th. In addition, we owe $3,600 to various accounts - the gas company, the phone company, a slew of doctors and dentists, past due subscriptions, bounced debit fees, etc, etc, etc....

I sat in my car on Sunday, after the grocery thing, and cried. I know its the punk thing to do, but I couldn't help it. A person can only take so much and then they can't take no more. I couldn't take anymore - granted most of the suffering is self-induced. When you get in this deep, how do you ever get out?

I feel helpless. Friends suggest escaping, but I've been in denial and 'escape' for long enough - if I'd been paying attention, I wouldn't be in this mess. Friends suggest lots because they care and because they are friends I supress the urge to scream, "YEA! I F%#&ED UP AND NOW I'M IN A CREEK WITHOUT PADDLES, OR A BOAT FOR THAT MATTER! I CAN'T 'ESCAPE' ANYMORE, I CAN'T PAY THESE BILLS ON THE SCHEDULE THE CREDITORS SET. I WOULD LIKE YOU TO SHUT THE F&#* UP NOW.

So I've become a loner...one of my friends called me Saturday and was very cautious while we talked. Then she suggested a kick-boxing class - to relieve stress. I asked how much? She said I could pay her back when I got back on my feet. She doesn't understand, even after trying to explain it to her that I do not want to owe anyone any amount of money. Not now, not ever and especially not my friends. It has nothing to do with pride or humility (okay, maybe a bit) but what it really has to do with is my learning to change my old habits, to replace them with healthy ones and when a friend offers to assist me by helping me dig a deeper hole, well, it took all I had not to hang up. Not because I was angry, but because I didn't want to talk about it anymore with someone who is not me.

TO SUM UP:
I am angry with my stepson for leading me and lying to me.
I am angry with me for buying into it.
I've been asked to move - unhappy - and found a place - happy
I am in debt up to my earlobes (hmmm) feeling very overwhelmed
I feel alone in the world, even if I am an "average" American - yuck!

My father once told me this:
"Pain is inevitable, Suffering is optional"

that's all for now.....

"MOTIVATION" or "How to make being lazy look busy" - I wanted to work from home and I bought into a health and nutrition business to do just that. Keeping in mind that I have worked in Corporate America for almost ten years and I have never worked strictly from home, I wondered if this would be a task I could accomplish. So far, I haven't found the 'motivation' to remain 'consistant' in my advertising and am suffering for it. Not enough apparently, as I have not yet been consistant. Last night I attribited my lack of motivation to working hard for eight and a half hours, driving for two more hours (to and from work) and not having the energy at the end of the day to go back out into the world and promote my new business.

"Go out in the morning then", you may say, and I have also given that a shot. I have a nine year old in the morning and I spend most mornings getting ready for my J-O-B and reminding the nine year old to continue getting ready too. I rise at 5:00 a.m., sometimes, to get a jump start on the day. The weeks in which I have accomplished this have left me drained on Saturday and Sunday, the days I reserve to do the household chores I haven't completed during the week. You may also say, 'Chores are not as important as the future of the family'..and I argue that laundry, dishes and cooking are the staples of the chores and these tasks need to be completed weekly. The bathroom every two weeks, vacuuming and dusting occasionally - oops, ramlbin' on. I am not a clean-aholic (well, I can focus on it for hours, but...), but I've noticed that when I experience anxiety over this business opp (or any other stressful situation), I tend to fill the time with less important tasks: like packing to move, arranging bills, going on-line to search for stuff.

If I felt I could quit my J-O-B and devote the time to the new business, that would cause stress to the family, as I carry all the medical insurance and retirement stuff. If the business takes off (if I get off my butt and stop making excuses) then these worries about money will cease...the fear may be that deep down I'm sure I'll fail and I am having a hard time over-writing that old programming. Or that I am going to be successful and I have not had much experience handling success.

Self-Motivation - Self Confidence - Self-Discipline

Self.....

"NOTICE OF TERMINATION OF TENANCY" or "30 Days to Move It or Lose It"...I could be overly dramatic and totally stressed out about having only 25 days left to find an equally suitable residence in an over-inflated market on a very limited budget while helping a nine year old boy avoid undue mental anguish. But, instead, I choose to find a solution. So far I've come up with several: motel; smaller apartment; move to Portland, OR (we live in So. Cal); move in with my parents (it was a short, quick death for that thought); rent a larger space with another family; squat; move to Amarillo, TX; squat on grandparents acreage; live in the car, taking only the clothes on our back (and the Gameboy).

Or - point out to the landlord that the actual reason for the sudden, abrupt termination of tenancy of our primary residence was caused by the unruly nature of our off-spring who in fact had since been removed from the equation, each to their other parent. This is the last-ditch effort I intent to make in an attempt to remain in our overpriced, yet spacious dwelling. At least until the end of August.

Then I'm gonna come up with another list of options.

'Nuff already!

MARIJUANA and YOU - Or me....I have been making an effort to say nope to dope and ugh to drugs, but a good smoke is hard to pass up when life is handing me sh%#. But, I reign triumphantly today.

Nails are still getting shorter and shorter.

My son went to visit his mom for the summer and part of me is very glad for the break. He's 16+ and we've had a rough couple of years. Same for the 17+ daughter of mine. She seems to think that if she waits long enough, someone will take care of her and then she won't have to. I moved her in with her father about two months ago, after she repeatedly lied to me and missed school continuously. I gave her a choice: tell me the truth and go to school or take the consequences for her actions. It seems easier to me apparently than to carry this task out. So she lied again, and ditched again, thereby earning the consequence we agreed upon for her actions: moving in with her Dad. The first month was fun for her after 16 years with me. She was living with the fun parent and she had escaped the serious parent. This month I think she is beginning to see how good she had it: her own room, phone, television, radio, food, washer/dryer, freedom, cash.....when she earned it. Now she lives in a motel, can't call out on the phone, complains of her boredom constantly and takes no action to change it. I have suggested a job on several occasions to no avail...I suggested it so she is rebeling by being bored and miserable...go figure. Now I am the fun parent, as long as I come to her and take her where she wants to go and talk to her about her stuff. Not gonna do it. Not gonna enable her. Haven't so far, only her dad has done that. Okay, I've been a little over helpful in the past, but I believe I taught her the simple skills to head into adulthood.

Now, I lay me down to sleep.

NAILBITING - the curse. I noticed that I bite my nails when I am anxious, usually about money or the teenagers. I noticed that I bite my nails on long drives or when I am watching television. I did manage to grow my nails out, but I still bit the cuticles. Now I bite the whole darn thing again. Lately financial messes I've created have been my focus.