I am learning about life patterns and why one person will pick another as their significant other.

15 DAYS AND STILL CLEAN

Okay, so tonight marks 15 days and three classes for me. I have found other avenues of sobriety - utilizing the computer and chat rooms. It's been a very enlightening few weeks.

I have had to face some demons I didn't even know I had and I think I am doing a good job. I haven't really thought about the weed in a couple of days.

I have been having some deep heart-to-heart talks with my daughter of late. She has a smart brain and she is currently doing what I use to do: self-medicating with weed to avoid the life she chose.

When the student is ready, and all that...

FRIDAY NIGHT FEVER

Traditionally this would be the night of the week when I would come home with a six pack of Corona, roll a fattie and burn one while I drank the other.

Not this Friday...This Friday I attended my first DIVERSION Class, lead by Betty ("Da Bomb"), 73 years old, 26 years clean and sober. After three hours, talking and videos, I can begin to see that I have a problem facing a certain reality and that I use marijuana as a 'numbing'. We watched a video by Bradshaw (Dad gave me this tape years ago and it sits in the cabinet collecting dust. Today I watch it) on the Family - this one was titled "The Bad Child". I am learning there is a reason I am the way I am and that I can change me for the better. It's amazing....we talked about how potential is diminished when drugs and alcohol are used to 'enhance' life. Imagine what I could do without drugs, if I am as accomplished as I am with them.

Sky's the limit baby!

I did flush one last bud down the toilet this morning. It was 'calling' me. I could have given it back to Husband, but that would be later and I'd have to admit that I took it.

I need to keep me real - rigorous honesty is much harder than it sounds.

Ciao

LIFE ON THE EDGE
Slipped again - for several weeks this time. So now I get to "live life on the edge" until my first urine test in Diversion. I had three days and then I smoked this morning. SHIT! I have discovered that I have more of a problem than I thought.

Tonight I attended my very first Marijuana Anonymous meeting. I was very nervous. There were five boys in the group - I say boys because the oldest of these five couldn't have been older than 16. There were others - twenty-somethings, thirty-somethings... I couldn't speak becuase i have less than 24 hours sober. I did get a chip for showing up. It is pink.

Three women gave me their phone numbers. I may actually call them.

I have a problem living life without marijuana. I heard a lot of very helpful things tonight.

When I got home I asked Husband to please hide his weed. I told him that I was not out to 'reform' anyone else, but if he chose to continue smoking, I would appreciate the support of not being able to find it myself. He agreed. I will work on me. I need to be less apologetic to him about my situation. I am not inconveniencing him - I am repairing me.

Between a Rock and Hard Place

What a rough week - in my head, at least. I slipped on Friday night, again on Saturday and once more on Sunday. I realized that if I drink more than one drink, I feel the urge to smoke. I managed to live thorugh it, for I did not indulge more than once each day. I did kill my perfect score of 53 days. Today though I have four days - no abuse of any substances.

Current List of Things to Stress On:
Lack of a Sex Drive v. Horny Husband
Smoke and Husband/Lack of Support
Oldest Son May Be Doing "H"
School Is Fun And Takes Up Time
Husband Lacking In Team Work Dept.
Youngest Son Beginning PreTeen Realm
Personal Legal Issue - Cultivation Thing and Cost of Attorney
Lying to Employer About Personal Legal Issues

Sub-Worries (Not Up to Me to Change):
- Husband/Future Employment
- Second Mode of Transportation Sits, Waiting

Until I wrote (typed) all these "worries" down, they seemed very overwhelming. It is a lot to have in my head all at once.

What Can I Change?
Lack of a Sex Drive v. Horny Husband:
- Made Doctor Appointment to Discuss Changing Medications
Smoke and Husband/Lack of Support:
- I Need To Be Strong and Explain How His Maintaining That Lifestyle is NOT Helping Me
Oldest Son May Be Doing "H":
- This May Be Rumor; I Know Asking Him is a Catch-22 - If He Is He'll Tell Me He's Not and If He's Not,...
I'll have to leave this one for God.
School Is Fun And Takes Up Time:
- School is almost over and I can stick it out.
Husband Lacking In Team Work Dept.:
- This Kind Of Goes with the Lack of Support issue; If He's Stoned, He Will Have No Desire to Pitch-In.
- I Need to Point This Out - Once Again I Am Doing 'It' All.
Youngest Son Beginning PreTeen Realm:
- Deal With it using Love, Patience, Consistency and Solid Boundaries.
Personal Legal Issue - Cultivation Thing and Cost of Attorney:
- This one is tough; I need an attorney and I really cannot afford one. I also do not feel comfortable representing myself (I am not versed in the court room procedures). This would be THE Number One Rock and A Hard Place reference.
Lying to Employer About Personal Legal Issues:
- It's Just Not Worth It To Me To Lose My Job Right Now. I'll Have To Revisit this at a Later Date.

Okay
I have put it down on paper. Now I'll have to print this one.

Have a Peaceful Night, All.

Recently I have discovered something very interesting in the way of the brain, chemical functions and a Catch-22 in sex. I currently take Celexa (40 mg), a drug for depression, which works very well in stablizing my mood. I no longer act irrationally, lashing out at complete strangers and, more importantly, at my family. I am quite a joy to be around and to know, really. I've been taking Celexa for over two years. During that time, I was also smoking a great deal of marijuana - another mood alterer - for the mellow felling; again to control ballistic tendencies. I recently quit that for reasons I may or may not have mentioned previously and are not realtive to this blog. (I've been free for over 50 days, and I even test clean - that really boosts my happy thoughts). So I began reading about what marijuana does to brain chemicals - what it increases, what it supresses...etc. so I know what to expect while withdrawing. I learned a lot about my brain and the fact that smoking the herb and taking Celexa (originally at 20mg) was counter-productive. You see, marijuana inhibits the production of Serotonin, the brain chemical that is responsible for the mood or lack thereof. Celexa increases the production of Serotonin. I have since quit the weed and increased the Serotonin. Today I read a lot about the effect of Celexa on the sex drive in women and the news was not very happy. Serotonin suppresses the effect of Dopamine, the brain chemical responsible for motivation, achievement and, yes, sex drive. (I also discovered you can experience 'pseudo-Parkinson's' due to the supressed Dopamine - because Parkinson's is brought on by dead cells that used to produce Dopamine - knowledge is power; at the very least it is enlightenment) Lately, my husband and I have been trying to connect, but, while I love him dearly and we used to have great sex, now, I am not the horny nymph for him that I once was as the Celexa, which keeps me from being the psycho bitch from venus, also keeps me from sexual desire. Yea, I could take it or leave it (sex, not the Celexa). I recently increased the dose of the Celexa from 20 mg to 40 mg (not knowing about the sex drive thing) because I had been researching Obsessive-Compulsive Disorders (after a week of tunnel-vision over a mid-term and a new database project). Seems I have that too, and one of the better ways to begin combating THAT is the increase of Serotonin. This has had an effect over my nail-biting, skin-picking and hair-pulling, and of course, killed my sex wants.

So I went over my alternatives this afternoon:
1) Stop taking the Celexa altogether, go crazy, but have sex again;
2) decrease the Celexa and see if the urge returns while I bite my nails and pull my hair;
3) speak to my psych about another drug, Lexapro, a refined Celexa introduced last September; or
4) Maybe add another drug, Wellbutrin, to the mix, while drecreasing the Celexa. "Studies show..."

Husband does not want crazy wife back - he says he's just gotten used to the 'saner' version ("If this is you sane, then let's stick with that", were his exact words). Okay, so he and I will go over the research I have compiled and I'll call Dr. Bob, set an appointment and explain all this to him, getting his opinion on what I might do.

Crazy, Man! I had no idea the brain could be so royally scrambled and still function in a semi-professional manner. At least not my brain.

A Weekend
My oldest child no longer lives with me, but the other half of her family - my ex's - is very Catholic as in guilt-induced love. I received nine calls between Friday evening and Saturday morning about my sick daughter. My ex-mother-in-law (and ex-nurse) swore that if I didn't get my child to a hospital, the child (who had vomited a total of six times) would collapse from dehydration. If she had been six or sixty, I would have been concerned. She is 17 and 11 months. Quite resilient and, after keeping an eye on her Saturday evening and Sunday morning, I'd decided she either had the flu or was recovering froma tequila evening that she wouldn't confess to Grandma. Yes, I went to her Grandma's house to gather her up so she could endure a 45 minute automobile ride to recover at my house. I only went to her aid because my husband was tired of the phone calls. K'Leetah even told Grandma she'd be just fine given the chance to lay in her misery a while longer. Sunday morning she (daughter) ate pancakes and bacon and left around 1 p.m. to spend the remainder of the day with a friend.

My only real guilt in all this was that I didn't want to retrieve her in the first place. She has been removed from my home a total of five times, for refusing to follow our program - go to school or get a job. It seems very simple to me, but I am older and maybe my vision is cluttered.

Any how, later that Sunday, Daughter's Grandma called, asking to be included in any birthday celebrations I planned. I really hadn't planned anything. I offered to take her to dinner on the weekend of her birthday. (I even got the brilliant idea to take her go-cart racing to get her more familiar with driving). I really wouldn't ever want to eat a meal with my ex family.

Friends
I have this great friend. She is a Radiology Technician and she is also a mom, a wife, an employee and a person. She and I are the best of pals and when we have troubles, we 'vent' to each other. I have another great friend...same bio - she and I also have a great relationship. I never knew I could have friends who were also female - being that I female too and when I was growing up the friends I wanted were very self-involved and shallow (the "in crowd"). The friends I had were like me (or they were guys), until high school. Then they went their separate ways - one took all the business courses, one join that 'in crowd', another moved away. The guys slowly disappeared as I realized their main goal. I took the education route until my dad divorced my step mom - then I traveled the path of least resistance - ditched class, ran away, etc. Now my friends are mature (not too mature), employed, responsible people. I really like the friends I have attracted.

The Long, Long Week
Husband is out of town, building a putting green in Yuma, Arizona. I have never had trouble sleeping when he's been gone before - so I am quite unhappy to report that I can't sleep - it's been three days and I have logged 12 total hours (okay, maybe 15 hours) of sleep. I am exhausted. Yesterday I skipped school and focused on son and his homework. He did his math assignment while I read my math book. We discovered that he and I are doing exactly the same math - basic algebra. He is grasping the concepts much better than I - he hasn't learned a different way - and he does not seem to have the 'control' issues I have acquired over the years. He is very willing to believe what the teacher tells him, while I challenge the rules of math. I learned that I can learn something new.

Our Love Is Strong
I spent a very nice weekend remembering why I married the second husband. Especially when he was helping me with my Basic Algebra homework. Basic my ass! I don't know how he puts up with me sometimes and every night I am glad he does. He is so wonderful and loving. 11 years and I love him more than ever. In a real way - I love that when I think of him I still smile hugely.

We spent Saturday afternoon together. Saw the "Dare Devil" movie, had dinner at our favorite Italian restaurant, rented movies and spent the evening just holding hands and eating popcorn in bed.

He loves me in the most fundamental ways - like when I am the least loveable.

I remember every day that it's not how many years two people spend together that's most important, but HOW those years are spent.

I love you...Always.

You've Lost That Lovin' Feelin'
Friend's spouse moved out last weekend (prior to the Heart Holiday). Friend confided that feelings not expected arrived ten-fold. Numbness, guilt, a feeling of 'letting down' offspring, and having to admit to self that it was actually over. I can't imagine as I left my first spouse WAY before fifteen years of marriage had passed. But I CAN relate to the feeling of having let the child down. I was in it for the long haul. It got difficult (I was twenty) and I bailed - with child. Today I still feel (even after making another go of that first marriage when child was two) like I let the child down by not trying harder, putting up with the unhappiness...etc. I KNOW I did a better thing for my child by leaving, but I know what Friend is going through when it comes to the kids.

Friend has a new love, a current love and Friend is blossoming into someone Friend would not have been if Friend tried to 'put up with the unhappiness' - still hurts like hell though.

Love and Peace to you Friend.

Respect Yourself.
I am pondering why one person would allow another person to speak rudely to them on a daily basis.

My Coworker routinely speaks to the Boss with condesending, badgering tones. The way the Boss is spoken to would be unacceptable to me - IS unacceptable to me. I wouldn't put up with it from anyone. Why a Boss would put up with it from an employee is beyond me.

I want to step in, make a scene, make an example, but ya know...it ain't my issue...I think. I DO have to listen to the disrespect and undermining of Bosses reputation. Coworker sits in the cubicle next to mine and everyone in the department is subject to Coworkers outburst's. Coworker offers many excuses (endless excuses to explain the actions of this Coworker - sick, too much stress, not enought hours in the day, Boss is on diet, Husband is unreasonable slob...I mean endless and it never comes back around to the Coworker maybe owning some part of it), and false apologies are made from Coworker to the Boss as if saying 'Sorry" eleven times a day makes acting like a bitch okay. The ONE time Coworker spoke to me in such a manner, I respected myself and told Coworker I would not be spoken to as if I was less than human. Never happened again.

Grow a backbone Boss....

Not sure....what to write...haven't beenhere in a while. If only....

I had a cordless laptop.

I had a million dollars.

I had a grasp on reality.

2-4-03 - First day of college class and house was robbed. Burgler took my child's PlayStation2. I saved for many months and placed this item on lay-away so I could afford it. I guess I shoulda just stolen one. All my child's games that go with the PS2. My child's Gameboy Advance. All our DVD's (except Madonna and The Shawshank Redemption). All my jewlery, given to me by my husband and my father; even one item from my retired boss and the bracelet my child gave me. Even the three dollars in dimes from my change can (that's how I know it was a person who knows me. The apartment wasn't ransacked...only these items were taken - and the change, by someone who knew what was in the can).

It's just stuff...and yes, that's correct. No one hurt my child, who took the bus home that day. Violated, but unharmed. It took my child seven days to feel safe sleeping in his own room.

2-5-03 - Called police to take report and fingerprints. Growing marijuana on the patio is a bad thing. One plant - felony charge for cultivation. Off to jail I went to experienced the kindness of officers who think I'm an idiot. I suppose I am. I could have yanked the plant and thrown it over the fence...but noooooo, I led the officers right to it. I had nine long hours to think about my life and the direction I was taking. By the time I was released (on my own recognizance or "O.R.'ed" for you other 'criminals') I had given up the bad bud...not act of temporary insanity (although I did 'slip' once on Wednesday, but the feeling was not a good one and I decided to close that chapter once and for all).

2-6-03 - Having removed teenage (one month shy of eighteen) from my home following robbery, I was confronted by said teen at 11:00 p.m. Thursday evening after my second night of class. Teen did not understand why she had to go (move out), when she clearly did not steal our things. I stated (once again) that I would not allow anyone who was not enrolled in school or working and contributing to just 'hang out' in my home and eat my food and use my phone and facilities. If she had locked the back door or removed her pot pipe from the coffee table prior to leaving the aprtment that previous Tuesday, maybe we wouldn't have been robbed. She actually threw back at me that she was ONLY seventeen. This excuse may have cut mud, if not for the facts - no school and no job after many, many months. I said 'good night, I love you, lock the door when you leave' and I went to bed.

Today is Valentine's Day. Spread the Love.

Following Up: The Truck
The truck WAS towed for expired tags.

Okay - it would cost me another $1,500 (U.S.) to bring the truck 'up to code' and pass a smog - maybe.

I could do one of two things...

First Thing:
A) Go to the DMV, Pay to Register the Truck (without smog) and Obtain a 24-hour 'okay to drive' permit. - $100
B) Then Go to Police Station and Have Truck Released. - $50
C) FInally, go to the tow company and pay them in order to retain a truck that won't run, can't be smogged and needs $2000 in repairs. - $90

OR

Second Thing:
A) Take Tow company pink slip and $90 - they dispose of expensive to fix, crappy truck. Done.

Sounds easy, right? Wrong. I get to tow company and wait for ten minutes for a guy to get off the phone while three drivers and a guy making coffee stood around, ignoring me, talking about the weekend. When I finally get some attention, the guy I called before I got here, well he tells me the tow company needs a BILL OF SALE. One from the original seller to us, and another one from us to the towcompany. I asked a lot of questions over the phone to the very gentleman who tells me this NEW information. I ask what he needs - he never mentions a bill of sale. Geez!

Live and learn...

Tomorrow evening is my first day of school. Math = Algebra. Basic, high school freshman algebra. Wish me luck!

Gotsta go...

It's been along day and it's ending with Spouse's ugly truck having diappeared..As I type I am on the phone wit the police, attempting to detemine if: 1) they towed it; or 2) it was stolen. I hope it was stolen >> insurance, baby! BUt, as is our luck - it ws probably towed because the registration is expired and we can't afford all the work required to bring it up to 'code'. I guess the silver lining is that we don't have to register it or insure it anymore.

I'll let ya know.

Son is really enjoying karate. Daughter is making an effort to become an adult. I am backing her - again - because: 1) no one backed me, or 2) I know she is capable and just needs one person to NOT GIVE UP.

Other Son is well - got a job washing diesel trucks. Other Daughter is still working at Michael's.

Dad is selling house. Life is tough all over.

It's Thursday - I spoke to Amarillo Daughter about Amarillo Son. The bb in th ehead was truly a 'stupid accident' and not the end of a fight...I must always remember to consider the source. He feels very humbled and it scared the beegeezus out of him. Good.

Sunday my seventeen year old stepson ended a fight with his sixteen year old girlfriend by shooting himself in the temple with a bb gun. He is okay (whatever...) but he will always have a bb lodged in his temple. His mother - Arrgh - actually lied to police about how the bb ended up in my son's head. She was afraid the police might commit him for observation - attempted suicide and all...I think she is a sick puppy, not seeing a very obvious sign of depression in her son. I thank God that he only had a bb gun.

I wish I could talk to him...he needs someone sane to listen. He needs his mom, but she is unavailable, obviously. His Dad may be concerned on the inside, but outwardly his son is "an idiot who could have lost work over this...". Shit!

I feel I will soon lose my stepson over this....for good, permanently - what a loss...

Otherwise it was a fine weekend. Youngest forgot to write sumamry paragraphs for each chapter of a 29 chapter book and spent all weekend, reading and writing then taking a break, then reading and writing. Daughter visited for the weekend and I want to believe that she seeks sanity by visiting....could just be the free food.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life....what do I want?

I want to have a clear direction...

I want to move to Albuquerque New Mexico and begin anew. I am not running from anything, but rather to something....to a different perspective.

Have you ever tried to balance a budget? People give the politicians a hard time because there is always a deficit. How many people actually stuck to the 'plan' and have not bounced a check, or made a late payment or are even in serious debt? So lay off the politicians.... I forgot to write down one payment and almost spent the money on another item. Dang! (the immortal word of Friend).

Nothing deep today. It takes time to calm the brain and find something worthy of retrospect or insight...I haven't got that time at this moment....

"Today is the first day of the rest of your life".

How many times have YOU heard that line? I hear it everytime I tell my Pop about a particularly bad day. I find myself saying this to my daughter as she flounders in her newfound adulthood status. It's hard to explain - the past is just that - The Past. It's over, it cannot be retrieved or changed. Begin with now. You may have to make some amends or apologies or whatever term you use for fixing the mistakes of the past.

What a great weekend! I discovered that because my husband works on Saturdays, I fill my Saturday - maybe so I don't feel guilty?

Saturday I met my sister at the Los Angeles Airport (9:00a-PST) when she picked her daughter up after Caitlan spent two weeks in Amarillo with her Dad. After eating breakfast at McDonalds, my son and I headed farther North to visit (10:30a) my mom and my brother's son. We spent a few hours catching up while my son and my nephew played videos games. After a trip to McDonald's for lunch, Son and I then headed out to Ontario (1:45p) to visit one of my best friends. I arrived to find her putting a second color on her recently dyed (to even out the color) tresses. She and her neighbor were attempting to add highlights, but instead they managed to make her hair look just like it did before they had begun to color it. We had a great laugh about that. One more drive to head home (4:15p), stopping to pick up Daughter who was caught up in her teenage drama, so she could care for Son while Spouse and I visited one more set of friends, up in Fullerton, for a batrbecue. That adventure involved a keg of beer, a pool table and the best carne asada I've had in a while! We got home at 11:00p. That was Saturday for me.

Sunday I had a goal - to find the skateboard trucks and make room in the garage for Spouse's truck. I accomplished both goals and I am ready for the work week!

A co-worker is leaving for her new home in Nevada on Friday, so Wednesday a group of us will be taking her to lunch. I haven't decided where or what time yet, but I am working on that.

It's been a long weekend. I can sleep well knowing I make good use of it. Next weekend....slacker city!

Damn! I was too tired to Blog last night. I watched 'The Sum of All Fears' instead. Hindsight is 20/20: I would not recommend this movie as a 'right before dropping off to sleep' movie. Spouse had evil dreams all night. Oops.

Had lunch with Friend yesterday. We hadn't had 'time' in a while. I wanted to catch-up and Friend is goint through a divorce. I was asking questions, as a concerned friend and for topic matter: Do the kids know what's going on? Do they know why Friend is sleeping downstairs? Are there family dicussions (as these are very important to the integrity of the family - having been there, on both sides and all). Friend asked that we change the subject as it was bringing Friend down. Okay, we discussed my college plans, Friend's restoration project and an upcoming concert Friend and Friend's love interest are going to attend. It was a nice lunch but I am concerned that we will not lunch again, if I bring up the divorce thing. hmmmmm

WORK: Yesterday was a bear. I took just enough time to have lunch with Friend; otherwise, it was work for 9 hours straight and home to crash.

Okay - fine - I can't post. Error:503, whatever that is...

Saw Dr. D this evening. Told him all my big plans (college), my fears (college), my daily goal of getting it together ('it' being my shit, of course).

I had a pretty good day. Hooked up with an old friend ("Friend"). Friend was on hiatus (sp?); okay, I placed Friend on hiatus. Friend was becoming friends with someone I don't trust my secrets to ("Other Friend") and Friend did. Of course, Other Friend told me all the secrets and Other Friend's opinion of them as well. Enough about Other Friend...and Friend.

I bounced some checks yesterday. I thought I had it all covered, but one or two meals out and I screwed it up again. That feeling, the self-berating that begins when I discover I bounced a check. It's like an alcoholic who wakes up after 'slipping'. Guilt, shame, remorse....so Friday I begin using that darn check register that came with the checks. Should be an adventure.

College: I took the Math Placement test Tuesday. I skipped all the questions I felt hesitant about and I placed in Elementary Algebra (Freshman HIgh School level). Hey, I've gotta start somewhere. I start on February 4th at 7:00 p.m. Wish me luck.

One more thing...

that darned New Year's Resolution list.

I have a friend who suggested I write all my regrets of the past year and then burn them at midnight at the end of the year. Enter the new year fresh and free.

I didn't write the list.

I will write it now.

Okay - I'll burn it at lunchtime. Noon. That's kinda like midnight.

ON TO THE RESOLUTIONS FOR 2003:
1. Complete three (3) classes toward my AA degree goal by December 31, 2003.
2. Write on this page once a week.
3. Follow my budget...even if I need to sacrifice for the budget.
4. Spend time with my husband and son.
5. Let my older children learn for themselves.
6. Get to the end of the year with a little money saved.

I wonder how many of those will still be with me in March. We'll see.

My last entry, last year....my friend who is married to an alcoholic. He is not abusive, just self-destructive. She decided to keep him. She decided to try and function even though he is not functioning like an equal, healthy partner. It's her life....but I can't help thinking that in a few years she'll wonder why she waited so long. I'll still be here, accepting her decisions as hers....I think.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

I decided to complete college. Then I had to decide what I wanted to become. I had to think of all the jobs I've already done. I had to include all the things I enjoy and the things I can't stand. I like variety. I like logic. I like to use the computer. I like to investigate, research and solve problems.

I decided to become a Professional Legal Secretary/Paralegal. I took my Math Assessment this morning and I am going to be taking the Math Elementary Algebra class at my local college.

I feel like I have a direction now. I have eight more years before my last child turns 18. I want to be able to move forward when he moves on and now I feel like I have a place to head toward.

Feels good...solid....right.....