I've discovered myspace

I have a myspace site - because my adult children do, whichi s why there is so much time between my last post and this one - there is a blog on the myspace page.

I came back here to look up one of my past blogs and to let you know that I will return again.

Really - this site is not as distracting, more like a journal for others to read, and with my ADD tendencies, I prefer this one when I just need to post.

I do like the photo album feature and the bulletin feature and the many friends I can add and then just click to view their sites. It's a pretty cool thing. Okay - gotta go back to my email space.

Later.

The Dave Matthews Band in Las Vegas 2007

This past weekend my husband and I attended a concert featuring The Dave Matthews Band. We drove out to Las Vegas on Friday and the first thing we did was to stop at Ellis Island on Koval and eat some of the best Prime Rib I've ever had. It was cooked just right and was almost an inch thick! Ellis Island also brews its own beer AND rootbeer. I had a tall, cold glass of the best rootbeer I've ever had, too. If you ever get to Las Vegas, I highly recommend Ellis Island.

After we ate, we headed to the Best Wetern McCarran to check in and unload our bags. Then we headed to the strip to revisit the new Wynn hotel and view some of our favorite hotels, including the Venetian. We even stayed long enough to FINALLY see the Sirens of Treasure Island pirate show, which was actually pretty silly. Scantilly clad men and women enticing each other to really loud rock music. I had to remind myself that I was in Las Vegas, and overlook the cheesiness of it all.

Saturday morning we drove out to the Hoover Dam and took the one-hour tour of the area. It was very impressive and quite amazing. Yes, I learned something new about our nation.

Saturday afternoon we met our oldest son, his wife and our youngest son at the airport where we all waited for my grand-daughter to arrive from her three week visit in Amarillo. Then we all headed back to Ellis Island for lunch. After lunch they went back home, and we went to the hotel to take a nap before the concert.

The concert, my first in about five years, was incredible and very enjoyable. Dave and the guys were in great form and played old favorites and a few more recent ones. They also played a few I didn't recognize (I know - what kind of fan am I? - the minute I got home I dug through the CDs and found the songs on 'Remember Two Things' - I'll have them memorized by August). All in all, it was a great weekend.

Peace.

1969 or 1970: Halloween and other flashbacks

Okay - when I was a kid, my mom made all my clothes (and she was really good at it). So naturally, when Halloween rolled around, Mom also made my costumes. This was Halloween when I was about 5 years old, so probably 1970. I am the one in the Red Riding Hood costume. Kimberly is dressed as an angel, and the smitten one is Eric. I have no idea who he is dressed as. These are my best friends at the time and we hung out as much as we could after school. My brother would get to tag-along for a while, but Mom would usually come get him and take him home. He was only three years old, after all.

Me - Because it's ALL about Me.

In case you were wondering what I look like (and because I figured out how to post photos on this site) here is a picture of me last September (2006) at a City function.

I will most likely ask the kids for permission to post their pics here too, and maybe, someday, I'll let the old folks and friends in on this blog.

I haven't much else to report at the moment, but rest assured that I will have plenty to say as my journey continues.

Library Ducks Return to HB

Last year I was introduced to the Library's resident family of ducks. The Mama and Papa Duck showed up around the beginning of February and Mama Duck made a nest in a planter that sits on my bosses balcony overlooking Central Park.

We waited and watched and on a warm Saturday in late May of 2006 those seven little ducklings began to hatch. A library staff member took a bunch of pictures of Mama Duck and her ducklings as they made their way from the balcony (they all jumped off the balcony and dropped about 20 feet to the rear parking lot area) and then waddled across the lot into the park. They slowly made their way across the grass and walking paths to the Lake in Central Park. (I'd post more pics, but alas someone deleted many files on the server and lost those wonderful pics)

Well, two weeks ago Mama and Papa returned to begin again. And this morning my boss called me into his office. Mama Duck was perched on the plants in the planter, deciding where to place her nest this year.

When I saw Mama and Papa in the parking lot earlier this month, my heart swelled (a weird but pleasent feeling) and I was all warm and happy. Seeing Mama Duck on the balcony again is something I will look forward to each Spring as I work here at the Central Library.

Recovery Slogans

These are the slogans of the 12 Step Recovery Program. I may select one from time to time and let you know what it means to me at that moment. For now, I just wanted a place to put them all.

First Things First
Live and Let Live
Let go and let God
Time takes time
One day at a time
Is your program powered by Will Power or Higher Power?
Cultivate an attitude of gratitude
Misery is optional
God never made no junk
Humility is not thinking less of yourself, but thinking of yourself less
Live life on life's terms
You can't think your way into a new way of living...you have to live your way into a new way of thinking
The key to freedom is in the Steps
GOD = Good Orderly Direction
HALT = don't get to Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired
Your worth should never depend on another persons opinion
HOW it works = Honesty, Open mindedness, and Willingness
SLIP = Sobriety Lost Its Priority
Don't pick up, ask for help, call your sponsor, and go to meetings
It's a simple program for complicated people
The newcomer is the most important person in any meeting
Keep coming back, it works if you work it
Learn to listen and listen to learn
Many meetings, many chances; few meetings, few chances; no meetings, no chances
Meeting makers make it
People who don't go to meetings don't hear about what happens to people who don't go to meetings
To keep what you have, you have to give it away
How does it work? It works just fine
If you don't want to slip, stay away from slippery places
If you do what you always did, you'll get what you always got
If you sit in the barber's chair long enough, you'll eventually get a haircut
Most things can be preserved in alcohol; dignity, however, is not one of them
Progress, not perfection
Resentment is like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die
think......think.......think
Keep it simple
This too shall pass
Stick with the winners
H O P E = Happy Our Program Exists
Recovery is a journey ...not a destination
To thine own self be true
Turn it over
Nothing is so bad, a drink won't make it worse
Willingness is the key
Take what you need and leave the rest
If you expect respect, be the first to show some
Keep the plug in the jug
Do it sober
Although we are not responsible for our disease we are responsible for our recovery
Hugs not Drugs
Just for Today
Recovery doesn't happen overnight
Pass it on
If you want to stay clean, don't use
Don't quit before the miracle happens
Learn to listen and listen to learn
Use the 24-hour plan
Nobody ever found recovery as a result of an intellectual awakening
When all else fails, follow directions
Change is a process, not an event
Call your sponsor before, not after, you take the first drink
Give time time
I was sick and tired of being sick and tired
You only get out of it what you put into it
It's the first drink that gets you drunk
An addict alone is in bad company
You can only keep what you have by giving it away
Take what you can use and leave the rest
Recovery begins with the First Step

More Azusa Memories

I remember being about 5 years old, and living in this house with my mom and dad, and my little brother, who was about 3. We had a big front yard with a big, full shade tree. My dad would mow the lawn every weekend or every other weekend, and this one time he made tracks in the grass, mowed 'roads' so my brother and I could ride our tricycles in the tracks. Then he sat under the tree, leaning back against the bark of the trunk and drank a beer while we 'drove' around the roads he made. It was a pretty neat day for a 5 year old.

Another time I remember pretending I was a bunny, hopping around the backyard. I hopped into the house through the back door and hopped into the kitchen. I told my mom I needed some lettuce, because I was a rabbit and I was hungry. She gave me a few lettuce leaves and shooed me back outside.

We had a lot of long grass in the backyard, and a peach tree that had been pruned back pretty badly. It didn't grow anything that I can remember. I use to climb up the stump, which was about 4 feet high, and I'd jump off the stump into the tall grass in our yard. I did this often and one day I jumped off of that tree stump, and landed in the grass, and a pain hit me about three seconds after I landed. I had landed the bottom of my big toe, on my right foot, into the opening of a pull top soda can. All the skin from the bottom of my toe was neatly cut off into the can. It bled like you cannot believe, and it scared the heck out of me - so, being 5, I screamed bloody murder, thus scaring the heck out of my poor mom. She recovered, took me into the house and after several large band-aids and some gauze, managed to stop the bleeding. I vaguely remember her reading me the riot act about jumping out of that tree and I don't think I ever did it again.

This was also the house we lived in when I had my first pet, a small red eared turtle I had named Myrtle. Original, huh? He lived in this little shallow pond with an island in the middle. The island had a small hole where a plastic palm tree 'lived.' I would feed Myrtle some turtle food before I went to school and check on him when I got home. I don't recall just how long I had this pet, but I don't think it was very long. I came home from school one day, stopped in to check on Myrtle and noticed he wasn't moving. I poked at him, and picked him up and noticed that he had a large fly in his mouth. I screamed and proceeded to find my little brother, who I yelled at rather loudly. I don't really know if my little brother actually fed the turtle that fly, but I am pretty sure it was him.

I have only two other memories in that house that come to mind. The first was waking up early one morning with a terrible cold and not being able to open my eyes. First, I panicked, because I couldn't open my eyes, which were stuck shut with dry eye goo. I somehow managed to calm down, get out of bed, and slowly make it to the bathroom. The carpet had been pulled up in the hall, though I don't know why, and in my quest for the bathroom sink I stepped directly on the nail strip that holds the carpet down. The sound I made woke up my mom, who helped me out with my gummed shut eyes. (I see even then I didn't want to ask anyone for help - I could have called out to her from my room, but I decided I could do it myself -- at 5. Hmmm)

The other memory started in a dream. I dreamed that I woke up to a sound I heard in my brother's room. In my dream I got up and left my room, walking down the hall to his room. He was in his crib and then I was also in his crib, and there were wolves under his crib. Then he and I were running back down the hall toward my room and my parent's room. I opened my parents bedroom door and on their bed were large, colorful boxes, and in the boxes, rising like jack in the boxes, were hippos. Yep, Hippos. It was all very strange. I woke up the next morning and headed to the kitchen for breakfast and noticed that my parent's mattress was out in the backyard. There was a large burn hole in it. I can't remember now if a lamp fell on it or if a cigarette caused that hole, but how weird to have that dream and then see their mattress outside the next morning.

I think those are all the memories from that house. And now I am done with Azusa.

night all.....

One More Thing...

I was re-reading the posts I've made for this site and I amazed to find that way before I was arrested for marijuana cultivation - the beginnings of the life I am currently living - I was seriously trying to sober up. It's posted so it must be true. I knew what I was like, and I notice that I never gave up the whole story, and I see now just how nuts it all was... but it was all real. Exactly as I reported it. I am worried that my careful style of posting has been lost in my sobriety, but we'll just see about that as well.

I can report that my older son and I are on much better terms, although I am sorry to note that his mother is gone from this plane. May 3rd is the anniversary of her passing. He is now in the Army and just made Private First Class. He is married and his wife has an adorable three-year old who calls me Grandma (wipe that smile off your face right this instant). He joined last March (that in itself is a long story) and he married his lovely wife on July 3rd.

My Amarillo daughter is also doing pretty well, although she has a cold right now - cold weather this time of year in Amarillo. She still enrolled in college as is her beau, and she is still as unique as ever. She relayed to my on Thursday evening her Six Degrees of Separation from Kevin Bacon:

She met Amarillo Slim, famous poker player; He is being played by Nicolas Cage in the upcoming movie; Nic co-starred with John Travolta in "Face-Off;" John co-starred with Steve Buscemi in "Pulp Fiction" (?); Steve and Chris Penn co-starred in "Reservoir Dogs;" and finally (whew!) Chris and Kevin Bacon co-starred in "Footloose." She was so happy about this bit of information.

My younger daughter, now 21, is still living as she was at 17. I allowed her to live with us (after consulting husband) for 11.5 months after rescuing her from Sacramento (staph infection, hospital, etc.), hoping she would take advantage of the opportunity by attending school and keeping a job. Instead, she just took advantage until the ride was over.

Youngest son is still in school, and working madly to keep his grades at the minimum to pass. He has entered the Teen Zone and it's a daily guess as to what his mood will be at any given moment.

I am still sober - some days are better than others. I finally got the hang of willingness, and surrender, but I am a human being - free will and all that - and I occasionally assume that I know better than my Higher Power. One Day At A Time keeps me sane. I still get God Shots - got one this week as a matter of fact. Husband and I are seeing a marriage counselor in order to learn to communicate better and it seems to be working, for both of us.

Okay - I am actually sick of typing at the moment and I can't find the spell check thingee. So please be forgiving as you read this one...

Peace - just for today.

FOLLOW-UP TO SK LETTER

That letter I wrote to and mailed to Stephen King? It was returned to me - no such number. You'd think that with a famous person like Stephen King (I even put the word AUTHOR after his name), the Post Office could have forwarded it to him. Geez! So now I have in my file of paper memories, a returned letter to Stephen King. Some day he and I will meet and we'll have a chuckle over that one.

When I was 5

I told you I had some stories to tell. This is one of the first memories I have.

When I was 5 or so, and we lived in Azusa, California, I had these friends who lived down the street, and may have been in the same grade as me - kindergarten. Eric was the boy and Kimberly was his neighbor. We all had these pedal cars - a firetruck, a coupe, and another one, I have a picture - well, it's one of the ones my Mom has and will send me. We'd play pretend - we had these tea parties in the backyard at Eric's. The grass wasn't really grass, but dichondra and we were allowed to play on it, even though it was pretty and too nice for kids (my Dad thought). Eric's mom would make us tea and put milk and honey in it (she was from Sweden?). We drank the tea out of these little balancing tea and saucer toys of Eric's. You'd stack the saucer on top of the tea cup and then stack a tea cup on top of the saucer, until you stacked all four sets. Each set was a different color, red, green, blue and yellow. We also made forts in the living room out of folding lawn chairs, the kind that folded in thirds. They made the BEST forts. That was a great place to play and that is pieces of a year of memories.

Blanca - that was Eric's mom's name. She took pictures and she wanted to take pictures of me once, to give to my mom. I had gotten home from school and changed into my play clothes (1970's and we had school clothes and play clothes), and I left my house without using the bathroom so I wouldn't miss a second of playtime. Blanca caught me in the driveway, and asked me to stand in her tulip garden so she could take some nice pictures of me. I was too embarrassed to tell her I had to pee, so I stood in the tulip bed, both hands in my crotch, smiling as best as I could under the circumstances. My Mom still has that picture, and if I post it you'll see a 5 year old kid, looking sweet but uncomfortable, like she needs to be somewhere else. And I did. I am pretty sure I wasn't able to hold it until I got to her bathroom and I was very embarrassed.

Back to the Beginning

I have been taking a trip back in time, reliving some of my old memories from childhood and the teen years, and I've realized that while I have several snapshot memories, my continuity is questionable. I was telling some of my tales to a close friend who first told me, awestruck, that he'd never heard these tales before, and then told me they'd make an interesting book. While I am not nearly that brave at this time, I did think it might be interesting to write down the tales of my life that I can remember and try to put them in some kind of order. Another friend told me that blogging the memories, one at a time, might be helpful in beginning this process. So here I am, beginning a memoir, for what it's worth.

I called my Mom earlier today and asked her if she had pictures from when I was little. By little, I mean 4 and 5 years old, up until she and my Dad separated and eventually divorced. She does, though she'll have to scan them before she can send them to me. That may help complete those youngest memories. I remember Eric, and Katie Chilton, and a brunette whose was my best friend when I was 5 - Kimberly. I also remember her always wanting to be in charge. She was always the mommy when we played house. Katie Chilton was another best friend when I was -- a little younger? a little older? I can't remember - maybe my Mom can shed a little light on this one.

I have tried to timeline my high school years, and I am having difficulty doing that. I have jotted it down on paper, as an actual timeline, and I have talked to my therapist about it (various things that happened between 14 and 17), just to get the dates straight in my head. But it still bugs me that it seemed like such a long period of time and, in writing it down, it appears to be much less time.

The stories will come, slowly. I know I have a lot to tell, and I'll get to that later. Until then, thanks for your attention.

Kathy B.