I was re-reading the posts I've made for this site and I amazed to find that way before I was arrested for marijuana cultivation - the beginnings of the life I am currently living - I was seriously trying to sober up. It's posted so it must be true. I knew what I was like, and I notice that I never gave up the whole story, and I see now just how nuts it all was... but it was all real. Exactly as I reported it. I am worried that my careful style of posting has been lost in my sobriety, but we'll just see about that as well.
I can report that my older son and I are on much better terms, although I am sorry to note that his mother is gone from this plane. May 3rd is the anniversary of her passing. He is now in the Army and just made Private First Class. He is married and his wife has an adorable three-year old who calls me Grandma (wipe that smile off your face right this instant). He joined last March (that in itself is a long story) and he married his lovely wife on July 3rd.
My Amarillo daughter is also doing pretty well, although she has a cold right now - cold weather this time of year in Amarillo. She still enrolled in college as is her beau, and she is still as unique as ever. She relayed to my on Thursday evening her Six Degrees of Separation from Kevin Bacon:
She met Amarillo Slim, famous poker player; He is being played by Nicolas Cage in the upcoming movie; Nic co-starred with John Travolta in "Face-Off;" John co-starred with Steve Buscemi in "Pulp Fiction" (?); Steve and Chris Penn co-starred in "Reservoir Dogs;" and finally (whew!) Chris and Kevin Bacon co-starred in "Footloose." She was so happy about this bit of information.
My younger daughter, now 21, is still living as she was at 17. I allowed her to live with us (after consulting husband) for 11.5 months after rescuing her from Sacramento (staph infection, hospital, etc.), hoping she would take advantage of the opportunity by attending school and keeping a job. Instead, she just took advantage until the ride was over.
Youngest son is still in school, and working madly to keep his grades at the minimum to pass. He has entered the Teen Zone and it's a daily guess as to what his mood will be at any given moment.
I am still sober - some days are better than others. I finally got the hang of willingness, and surrender, but I am a human being - free will and all that - and I occasionally assume that I know better than my Higher Power. One Day At A Time keeps me sane. I still get God Shots - got one this week as a matter of fact. Husband and I are seeing a marriage counselor in order to learn to communicate better and it seems to be working, for both of us.
Okay - I am actually sick of typing at the moment and I can't find the spell check thingee. So please be forgiving as you read this one...
Peace - just for today.
Saturday, February 10, 2007
FOLLOW-UP TO SK LETTER
That letter I wrote to and mailed to Stephen King? It was returned to me - no such number. You'd think that with a famous person like Stephen King (I even put the word AUTHOR after his name), the Post Office could have forwarded it to him. Geez! So now I have in my file of paper memories, a returned letter to Stephen King. Some day he and I will meet and we'll have a chuckle over that one.
When I was 5
I told you I had some stories to tell. This is one of the first memories I have.
When I was 5 or so, and we lived in Azusa, California, I had these friends who lived down the street, and may have been in the same grade as me - kindergarten. Eric was the boy and Kimberly was his neighbor. We all had these pedal cars - a firetruck, a coupe, and another one, I have a picture - well, it's one of the ones my Mom has and will send me. We'd play pretend - we had these tea parties in the backyard at Eric's. The grass wasn't really grass, but dichondra and we were allowed to play on it, even though it was pretty and too nice for kids (my Dad thought). Eric's mom would make us tea and put milk and honey in it (she was from Sweden?). We drank the tea out of these little balancing tea and saucer toys of Eric's. You'd stack the saucer on top of the tea cup and then stack a tea cup on top of the saucer, until you stacked all four sets. Each set was a different color, red, green, blue and yellow. We also made forts in the living room out of folding lawn chairs, the kind that folded in thirds. They made the BEST forts. That was a great place to play and that is pieces of a year of memories.
Blanca - that was Eric's mom's name. She took pictures and she wanted to take pictures of me once, to give to my mom. I had gotten home from school and changed into my play clothes (1970's and we had school clothes and play clothes), and I left my house without using the bathroom so I wouldn't miss a second of playtime. Blanca caught me in the driveway, and asked me to stand in her tulip garden so she could take some nice pictures of me. I was too embarrassed to tell her I had to pee, so I stood in the tulip bed, both hands in my crotch, smiling as best as I could under the circumstances. My Mom still has that picture, and if I post it you'll see a 5 year old kid, looking sweet but uncomfortable, like she needs to be somewhere else. And I did. I am pretty sure I wasn't able to hold it until I got to her bathroom and I was very embarrassed.
When I was 5 or so, and we lived in Azusa, California, I had these friends who lived down the street, and may have been in the same grade as me - kindergarten. Eric was the boy and Kimberly was his neighbor. We all had these pedal cars - a firetruck, a coupe, and another one, I have a picture - well, it's one of the ones my Mom has and will send me. We'd play pretend - we had these tea parties in the backyard at Eric's. The grass wasn't really grass, but dichondra and we were allowed to play on it, even though it was pretty and too nice for kids (my Dad thought). Eric's mom would make us tea and put milk and honey in it (she was from Sweden?). We drank the tea out of these little balancing tea and saucer toys of Eric's. You'd stack the saucer on top of the tea cup and then stack a tea cup on top of the saucer, until you stacked all four sets. Each set was a different color, red, green, blue and yellow. We also made forts in the living room out of folding lawn chairs, the kind that folded in thirds. They made the BEST forts. That was a great place to play and that is pieces of a year of memories.
Blanca - that was Eric's mom's name. She took pictures and she wanted to take pictures of me once, to give to my mom. I had gotten home from school and changed into my play clothes (1970's and we had school clothes and play clothes), and I left my house without using the bathroom so I wouldn't miss a second of playtime. Blanca caught me in the driveway, and asked me to stand in her tulip garden so she could take some nice pictures of me. I was too embarrassed to tell her I had to pee, so I stood in the tulip bed, both hands in my crotch, smiling as best as I could under the circumstances. My Mom still has that picture, and if I post it you'll see a 5 year old kid, looking sweet but uncomfortable, like she needs to be somewhere else. And I did. I am pretty sure I wasn't able to hold it until I got to her bathroom and I was very embarrassed.
Back to the Beginning
I have been taking a trip back in time, reliving some of my old memories from childhood and the teen years, and I've realized that while I have several snapshot memories, my continuity is questionable. I was telling some of my tales to a close friend who first told me, awestruck, that he'd never heard these tales before, and then told me they'd make an interesting book. While I am not nearly that brave at this time, I did think it might be interesting to write down the tales of my life that I can remember and try to put them in some kind of order. Another friend told me that blogging the memories, one at a time, might be helpful in beginning this process. So here I am, beginning a memoir, for what it's worth.
I called my Mom earlier today and asked her if she had pictures from when I was little. By little, I mean 4 and 5 years old, up until she and my Dad separated and eventually divorced. She does, though she'll have to scan them before she can send them to me. That may help complete those youngest memories. I remember Eric, and Katie Chilton, and a brunette whose was my best friend when I was 5 - Kimberly. I also remember her always wanting to be in charge. She was always the mommy when we played house. Katie Chilton was another best friend when I was -- a little younger? a little older? I can't remember - maybe my Mom can shed a little light on this one.
I have tried to timeline my high school years, and I am having difficulty doing that. I have jotted it down on paper, as an actual timeline, and I have talked to my therapist about it (various things that happened between 14 and 17), just to get the dates straight in my head. But it still bugs me that it seemed like such a long period of time and, in writing it down, it appears to be much less time.
The stories will come, slowly. I know I have a lot to tell, and I'll get to that later. Until then, thanks for your attention.
Kathy B.
I called my Mom earlier today and asked her if she had pictures from when I was little. By little, I mean 4 and 5 years old, up until she and my Dad separated and eventually divorced. She does, though she'll have to scan them before she can send them to me. That may help complete those youngest memories. I remember Eric, and Katie Chilton, and a brunette whose was my best friend when I was 5 - Kimberly. I also remember her always wanting to be in charge. She was always the mommy when we played house. Katie Chilton was another best friend when I was -- a little younger? a little older? I can't remember - maybe my Mom can shed a little light on this one.
I have tried to timeline my high school years, and I am having difficulty doing that. I have jotted it down on paper, as an actual timeline, and I have talked to my therapist about it (various things that happened between 14 and 17), just to get the dates straight in my head. But it still bugs me that it seemed like such a long period of time and, in writing it down, it appears to be much less time.
The stories will come, slowly. I know I have a lot to tell, and I'll get to that later. Until then, thanks for your attention.
Kathy B.
Thursday, December 28, 2006
I'm Back
And now something completely different --- I'm back. I found my blogspot site and updated it and here I am typing away. To get things started, I'll post my most recent letter to famous author Stephen King:
December 28, 2006
Stephen King
PO Box 1186
Bangor, Maine 04401
Dear Mr. King –
I was looking at the photo of you in the book jacket of “Lisey’s Story” (a gift I received for Christmas) and after reading several chapters (Darla and Lisey are in the diner after taking Amanda to the home), I realize that maybe you couldn’t stop writing, even when you wanted to... When I read you were retiring, I remember thinking “No way!” and then I thought, “Well, it’s about time and he’s given me so many good stories.” I also thought “Now who will I read?” I read other authors – Crichton, Grisham, Cornwall, to name a few – but not one compares to your style. I am a big fan – not of Number One Fan status, mind you (I’ve managed to miss every appearance you’ve made on one broadcast or another, radio and television), but I have read every thing you’ve written since you began including most magazine submissions. I’ve written to you a handful of times since my first reading, at 14 years of age back in 1979, of “ ’Salem’s Lot,” which scared the shit out of me, by the way, and which I also could not put down until I was done – Grandma was quite startled when she headed to the privy at 4:00 am and ran into me.
So, I’m looking at the picture in the book jacket and I see an older Stephen King, without those dark, thick glasses or that dark hair and I think “He doesn’t look happy – maybe resigned, or even a little bit sad.” Perhaps, to take it a stretch further, you look as if you’d welcome the final sleep, because then the stories would be silenced forever and you could finally rest. I’ll never know, of course. Selfishly I was glad that you kept writing – I love the way you write, the images you let loose in my head, the real way you develop the characters so that I feel for them, and that I call out to them when I see trouble coming and how I laugh out loud when one of them ‘gets off a good one.’ (I even hold my breath until I get to the end of some chapters – during “IT” I almost passed out several times.)
And I really felt close to you when I’d read those letters to the Constant Reader in the front of a lot of your books. I could pretend you were writing to me, letting me in on a secret and I really enjoyed the small peeks into your creative life.
The point of all this is that I just want to thank you for all the years of your tales. You are a very engaging writer and have made my life fuller with the depth of your characters and stories. Even when Roland began again in the end (ka is a wheel, baby), and my husband swore and cursed you, I just smiled. You are the KING.
Thank you,
PS...because I just went to the website for the first time in forever and see new publications: “The Secretary of Dreams” and an excerpt from “Blaze.” I have printed the excerpt and will order the graphic shorts. I also like the section which lists what you are reading, listening to and watching in theaters – I’ll check out a few of those authors. Thanks again and keep ‘em coming.
So that's it - my latest letter to Stephen King, my all-time most favorite author.
I will post something else equally exciting tomorrow. Tune in, won't you?
December 28, 2006
Stephen King
PO Box 1186
Bangor, Maine 04401
Dear Mr. King –
I was looking at the photo of you in the book jacket of “Lisey’s Story” (a gift I received for Christmas) and after reading several chapters (Darla and Lisey are in the diner after taking Amanda to the home), I realize that maybe you couldn’t stop writing, even when you wanted to... When I read you were retiring, I remember thinking “No way!” and then I thought, “Well, it’s about time and he’s given me so many good stories.” I also thought “Now who will I read?” I read other authors – Crichton, Grisham, Cornwall, to name a few – but not one compares to your style. I am a big fan – not of Number One Fan status, mind you (I’ve managed to miss every appearance you’ve made on one broadcast or another, radio and television), but I have read every thing you’ve written since you began including most magazine submissions. I’ve written to you a handful of times since my first reading, at 14 years of age back in 1979, of “ ’Salem’s Lot,” which scared the shit out of me, by the way, and which I also could not put down until I was done – Grandma was quite startled when she headed to the privy at 4:00 am and ran into me.
So, I’m looking at the picture in the book jacket and I see an older Stephen King, without those dark, thick glasses or that dark hair and I think “He doesn’t look happy – maybe resigned, or even a little bit sad.” Perhaps, to take it a stretch further, you look as if you’d welcome the final sleep, because then the stories would be silenced forever and you could finally rest. I’ll never know, of course. Selfishly I was glad that you kept writing – I love the way you write, the images you let loose in my head, the real way you develop the characters so that I feel for them, and that I call out to them when I see trouble coming and how I laugh out loud when one of them ‘gets off a good one.’ (I even hold my breath until I get to the end of some chapters – during “IT” I almost passed out several times.)
And I really felt close to you when I’d read those letters to the Constant Reader in the front of a lot of your books. I could pretend you were writing to me, letting me in on a secret and I really enjoyed the small peeks into your creative life.
The point of all this is that I just want to thank you for all the years of your tales. You are a very engaging writer and have made my life fuller with the depth of your characters and stories. Even when Roland began again in the end (ka is a wheel, baby), and my husband swore and cursed you, I just smiled. You are the KING.
Thank you,
PS...because I just went to the website for the first time in forever and see new publications: “The Secretary of Dreams” and an excerpt from “Blaze.” I have printed the excerpt and will order the graphic shorts. I also like the section which lists what you are reading, listening to and watching in theaters – I’ll check out a few of those authors. Thanks again and keep ‘em coming.
So that's it - my latest letter to Stephen King, my all-time most favorite author.
I will post something else equally exciting tomorrow. Tune in, won't you?
Sunday, April 16, 2006
It's been a really long time since I posted on this site. I lost access at work and, as you can see by the previous posts, I had a few more important things on my plate.
Today I have Two Years, Five Months and Twelve Days of total sobriety. I work a 12 Step program of recovery. I rely on a Higher Power which I choose to call God. I have committments, friends, a good relationship with my husband and children, a great job with the City, cars that run, a vacation to Canada in my near future, and a relationship with my Higher Power.
Things I thought were unattainable when I was using. I have a future.
I am a grateful alcoholic/addict. Go figure.
Peace,
Kathy B.
Today I have Two Years, Five Months and Twelve Days of total sobriety. I work a 12 Step program of recovery. I rely on a Higher Power which I choose to call God. I have committments, friends, a good relationship with my husband and children, a great job with the City, cars that run, a vacation to Canada in my near future, and a relationship with my Higher Power.
Things I thought were unattainable when I was using. I have a future.
I am a grateful alcoholic/addict. Go figure.
Peace,
Kathy B.
Monday, June 23, 2003
Friday, June 20, 2003
15 DAYS AND STILL CLEAN
Okay, so tonight marks 15 days and three classes for me. I have found other avenues of sobriety - utilizing the computer and chat rooms. It's been a very enlightening few weeks.
I have had to face some demons I didn't even know I had and I think I am doing a good job. I haven't really thought about the weed in a couple of days.
I have been having some deep heart-to-heart talks with my daughter of late. She has a smart brain and she is currently doing what I use to do: self-medicating with weed to avoid the life she chose.
When the student is ready, and all that...
Okay, so tonight marks 15 days and three classes for me. I have found other avenues of sobriety - utilizing the computer and chat rooms. It's been a very enlightening few weeks.
I have had to face some demons I didn't even know I had and I think I am doing a good job. I haven't really thought about the weed in a couple of days.
I have been having some deep heart-to-heart talks with my daughter of late. She has a smart brain and she is currently doing what I use to do: self-medicating with weed to avoid the life she chose.
When the student is ready, and all that...
Saturday, June 07, 2003
FRIDAY NIGHT FEVER
Traditionally this would be the night of the week when I would come home with a six pack of Corona, roll a fattie and burn one while I drank the other.
Not this Friday...This Friday I attended my first DIVERSION Class, lead by Betty ("Da Bomb"), 73 years old, 26 years clean and sober. After three hours, talking and videos, I can begin to see that I have a problem facing a certain reality and that I use marijuana as a 'numbing'. We watched a video by Bradshaw (Dad gave me this tape years ago and it sits in the cabinet collecting dust. Today I watch it) on the Family - this one was titled "The Bad Child". I am learning there is a reason I am the way I am and that I can change me for the better. It's amazing....we talked about how potential is diminished when drugs and alcohol are used to 'enhance' life. Imagine what I could do without drugs, if I am as accomplished as I am with them.
Sky's the limit baby!
I did flush one last bud down the toilet this morning. It was 'calling' me. I could have given it back to Husband, but that would be later and I'd have to admit that I took it.
I need to keep me real - rigorous honesty is much harder than it sounds.
Ciao
Traditionally this would be the night of the week when I would come home with a six pack of Corona, roll a fattie and burn one while I drank the other.
Not this Friday...This Friday I attended my first DIVERSION Class, lead by Betty ("Da Bomb"), 73 years old, 26 years clean and sober. After three hours, talking and videos, I can begin to see that I have a problem facing a certain reality and that I use marijuana as a 'numbing'. We watched a video by Bradshaw (Dad gave me this tape years ago and it sits in the cabinet collecting dust. Today I watch it) on the Family - this one was titled "The Bad Child". I am learning there is a reason I am the way I am and that I can change me for the better. It's amazing....we talked about how potential is diminished when drugs and alcohol are used to 'enhance' life. Imagine what I could do without drugs, if I am as accomplished as I am with them.
Sky's the limit baby!
I did flush one last bud down the toilet this morning. It was 'calling' me. I could have given it back to Husband, but that would be later and I'd have to admit that I took it.
I need to keep me real - rigorous honesty is much harder than it sounds.
Ciao
Thursday, June 05, 2003
LIFE ON THE EDGE
Slipped again - for several weeks this time. So now I get to "live life on the edge" until my first urine test in Diversion. I had three days and then I smoked this morning. SHIT! I have discovered that I have more of a problem than I thought.
Tonight I attended my very first Marijuana Anonymous meeting. I was very nervous. There were five boys in the group - I say boys because the oldest of these five couldn't have been older than 16. There were others - twenty-somethings, thirty-somethings... I couldn't speak becuase i have less than 24 hours sober. I did get a chip for showing up. It is pink.
Three women gave me their phone numbers. I may actually call them.
I have a problem living life without marijuana. I heard a lot of very helpful things tonight.
When I got home I asked Husband to please hide his weed. I told him that I was not out to 'reform' anyone else, but if he chose to continue smoking, I would appreciate the support of not being able to find it myself. He agreed. I will work on me. I need to be less apologetic to him about my situation. I am not inconveniencing him - I am repairing me.
Slipped again - for several weeks this time. So now I get to "live life on the edge" until my first urine test in Diversion. I had three days and then I smoked this morning. SHIT! I have discovered that I have more of a problem than I thought.
Tonight I attended my very first Marijuana Anonymous meeting. I was very nervous. There were five boys in the group - I say boys because the oldest of these five couldn't have been older than 16. There were others - twenty-somethings, thirty-somethings... I couldn't speak becuase i have less than 24 hours sober. I did get a chip for showing up. It is pink.
Three women gave me their phone numbers. I may actually call them.
I have a problem living life without marijuana. I heard a lot of very helpful things tonight.
When I got home I asked Husband to please hide his weed. I told him that I was not out to 'reform' anyone else, but if he chose to continue smoking, I would appreciate the support of not being able to find it myself. He agreed. I will work on me. I need to be less apologetic to him about my situation. I am not inconveniencing him - I am repairing me.
Thursday, May 01, 2003
Between a Rock and Hard Place
What a rough week - in my head, at least. I slipped on Friday night, again on Saturday and once more on Sunday. I realized that if I drink more than one drink, I feel the urge to smoke. I managed to live thorugh it, for I did not indulge more than once each day. I did kill my perfect score of 53 days. Today though I have four days - no abuse of any substances.
Current List of Things to Stress On:
Lack of a Sex Drive v. Horny Husband
Smoke and Husband/Lack of Support
Oldest Son May Be Doing "H"
School Is Fun And Takes Up Time
Husband Lacking In Team Work Dept.
Youngest Son Beginning PreTeen Realm
Personal Legal Issue - Cultivation Thing and Cost of Attorney
Lying to Employer About Personal Legal Issues
Sub-Worries (Not Up to Me to Change):
- Husband/Future Employment
- Second Mode of Transportation Sits, Waiting
Until I wrote (typed) all these "worries" down, they seemed very overwhelming. It is a lot to have in my head all at once.
What Can I Change?
Lack of a Sex Drive v. Horny Husband:
- Made Doctor Appointment to Discuss Changing Medications
Smoke and Husband/Lack of Support:
- I Need To Be Strong and Explain How His Maintaining That Lifestyle is NOT Helping Me
Oldest Son May Be Doing "H":
- This May Be Rumor; I Know Asking Him is a Catch-22 - If He Is He'll Tell Me He's Not and If He's Not,...
I'll have to leave this one for God.
School Is Fun And Takes Up Time:
- School is almost over and I can stick it out.
Husband Lacking In Team Work Dept.:
- This Kind Of Goes with the Lack of Support issue; If He's Stoned, He Will Have No Desire to Pitch-In.
- I Need to Point This Out - Once Again I Am Doing 'It' All.
Youngest Son Beginning PreTeen Realm:
- Deal With it using Love, Patience, Consistency and Solid Boundaries.
Personal Legal Issue - Cultivation Thing and Cost of Attorney:
- This one is tough; I need an attorney and I really cannot afford one. I also do not feel comfortable representing myself (I am not versed in the court room procedures). This would be THE Number One Rock and A Hard Place reference.
Lying to Employer About Personal Legal Issues:
- It's Just Not Worth It To Me To Lose My Job Right Now. I'll Have To Revisit this at a Later Date.
Okay
I have put it down on paper. Now I'll have to print this one.
Have a Peaceful Night, All.
What a rough week - in my head, at least. I slipped on Friday night, again on Saturday and once more on Sunday. I realized that if I drink more than one drink, I feel the urge to smoke. I managed to live thorugh it, for I did not indulge more than once each day. I did kill my perfect score of 53 days. Today though I have four days - no abuse of any substances.
Current List of Things to Stress On:
Lack of a Sex Drive v. Horny Husband
Smoke and Husband/Lack of Support
Oldest Son May Be Doing "H"
School Is Fun And Takes Up Time
Husband Lacking In Team Work Dept.
Youngest Son Beginning PreTeen Realm
Personal Legal Issue - Cultivation Thing and Cost of Attorney
Lying to Employer About Personal Legal Issues
Sub-Worries (Not Up to Me to Change):
- Husband/Future Employment
- Second Mode of Transportation Sits, Waiting
Until I wrote (typed) all these "worries" down, they seemed very overwhelming. It is a lot to have in my head all at once.
What Can I Change?
Lack of a Sex Drive v. Horny Husband:
- Made Doctor Appointment to Discuss Changing Medications
Smoke and Husband/Lack of Support:
- I Need To Be Strong and Explain How His Maintaining That Lifestyle is NOT Helping Me
Oldest Son May Be Doing "H":
- This May Be Rumor; I Know Asking Him is a Catch-22 - If He Is He'll Tell Me He's Not and If He's Not,...
I'll have to leave this one for God.
School Is Fun And Takes Up Time:
- School is almost over and I can stick it out.
Husband Lacking In Team Work Dept.:
- This Kind Of Goes with the Lack of Support issue; If He's Stoned, He Will Have No Desire to Pitch-In.
- I Need to Point This Out - Once Again I Am Doing 'It' All.
Youngest Son Beginning PreTeen Realm:
- Deal With it using Love, Patience, Consistency and Solid Boundaries.
Personal Legal Issue - Cultivation Thing and Cost of Attorney:
- This one is tough; I need an attorney and I really cannot afford one. I also do not feel comfortable representing myself (I am not versed in the court room procedures). This would be THE Number One Rock and A Hard Place reference.
Lying to Employer About Personal Legal Issues:
- It's Just Not Worth It To Me To Lose My Job Right Now. I'll Have To Revisit this at a Later Date.
Okay
I have put it down on paper. Now I'll have to print this one.
Have a Peaceful Night, All.
Monday, April 21, 2003
Recently I have discovered something very interesting in the way of the brain, chemical functions and a Catch-22 in sex. I currently take Celexa (40 mg), a drug for depression, which works very well in stablizing my mood. I no longer act irrationally, lashing out at complete strangers and, more importantly, at my family. I am quite a joy to be around and to know, really. I've been taking Celexa for over two years. During that time, I was also smoking a great deal of marijuana - another mood alterer - for the mellow felling; again to control ballistic tendencies. I recently quit that for reasons I may or may not have mentioned previously and are not realtive to this blog. (I've been free for over 50 days, and I even test clean - that really boosts my happy thoughts). So I began reading about what marijuana does to brain chemicals - what it increases, what it supresses...etc. so I know what to expect while withdrawing. I learned a lot about my brain and the fact that smoking the herb and taking Celexa (originally at 20mg) was counter-productive. You see, marijuana inhibits the production of Serotonin, the brain chemical that is responsible for the mood or lack thereof. Celexa increases the production of Serotonin. I have since quit the weed and increased the Serotonin. Today I read a lot about the effect of Celexa on the sex drive in women and the news was not very happy. Serotonin suppresses the effect of Dopamine, the brain chemical responsible for motivation, achievement and, yes, sex drive. (I also discovered you can experience 'pseudo-Parkinson's' due to the supressed Dopamine - because Parkinson's is brought on by dead cells that used to produce Dopamine - knowledge is power; at the very least it is enlightenment) Lately, my husband and I have been trying to connect, but, while I love him dearly and we used to have great sex, now, I am not the horny nymph for him that I once was as the Celexa, which keeps me from being the psycho bitch from venus, also keeps me from sexual desire. Yea, I could take it or leave it (sex, not the Celexa). I recently increased the dose of the Celexa from 20 mg to 40 mg (not knowing about the sex drive thing) because I had been researching Obsessive-Compulsive Disorders (after a week of tunnel-vision over a mid-term and a new database project). Seems I have that too, and one of the better ways to begin combating THAT is the increase of Serotonin. This has had an effect over my nail-biting, skin-picking and hair-pulling, and of course, killed my sex wants.
So I went over my alternatives this afternoon:
1) Stop taking the Celexa altogether, go crazy, but have sex again;
2) decrease the Celexa and see if the urge returns while I bite my nails and pull my hair;
3) speak to my psych about another drug, Lexapro, a refined Celexa introduced last September; or
4) Maybe add another drug, Wellbutrin, to the mix, while drecreasing the Celexa. "Studies show..."
Husband does not want crazy wife back - he says he's just gotten used to the 'saner' version ("If this is you sane, then let's stick with that", were his exact words). Okay, so he and I will go over the research I have compiled and I'll call Dr. Bob, set an appointment and explain all this to him, getting his opinion on what I might do.
Crazy, Man! I had no idea the brain could be so royally scrambled and still function in a semi-professional manner. At least not my brain.
So I went over my alternatives this afternoon:
1) Stop taking the Celexa altogether, go crazy, but have sex again;
2) decrease the Celexa and see if the urge returns while I bite my nails and pull my hair;
3) speak to my psych about another drug, Lexapro, a refined Celexa introduced last September; or
4) Maybe add another drug, Wellbutrin, to the mix, while drecreasing the Celexa. "Studies show..."
Husband does not want crazy wife back - he says he's just gotten used to the 'saner' version ("If this is you sane, then let's stick with that", were his exact words). Okay, so he and I will go over the research I have compiled and I'll call Dr. Bob, set an appointment and explain all this to him, getting his opinion on what I might do.
Crazy, Man! I had no idea the brain could be so royally scrambled and still function in a semi-professional manner. At least not my brain.
Tuesday, February 25, 2003
A Weekend
My oldest child no longer lives with me, but the other half of her family - my ex's - is very Catholic as in guilt-induced love. I received nine calls between Friday evening and Saturday morning about my sick daughter. My ex-mother-in-law (and ex-nurse) swore that if I didn't get my child to a hospital, the child (who had vomited a total of six times) would collapse from dehydration. If she had been six or sixty, I would have been concerned. She is 17 and 11 months. Quite resilient and, after keeping an eye on her Saturday evening and Sunday morning, I'd decided she either had the flu or was recovering froma tequila evening that she wouldn't confess to Grandma. Yes, I went to her Grandma's house to gather her up so she could endure a 45 minute automobile ride to recover at my house. I only went to her aid because my husband was tired of the phone calls. K'Leetah even told Grandma she'd be just fine given the chance to lay in her misery a while longer. Sunday morning she (daughter) ate pancakes and bacon and left around 1 p.m. to spend the remainder of the day with a friend.
My only real guilt in all this was that I didn't want to retrieve her in the first place. She has been removed from my home a total of five times, for refusing to follow our program - go to school or get a job. It seems very simple to me, but I am older and maybe my vision is cluttered.
Any how, later that Sunday, Daughter's Grandma called, asking to be included in any birthday celebrations I planned. I really hadn't planned anything. I offered to take her to dinner on the weekend of her birthday. (I even got the brilliant idea to take her go-cart racing to get her more familiar with driving). I really wouldn't ever want to eat a meal with my ex family.
My oldest child no longer lives with me, but the other half of her family - my ex's - is very Catholic as in guilt-induced love. I received nine calls between Friday evening and Saturday morning about my sick daughter. My ex-mother-in-law (and ex-nurse) swore that if I didn't get my child to a hospital, the child (who had vomited a total of six times) would collapse from dehydration. If she had been six or sixty, I would have been concerned. She is 17 and 11 months. Quite resilient and, after keeping an eye on her Saturday evening and Sunday morning, I'd decided she either had the flu or was recovering froma tequila evening that she wouldn't confess to Grandma. Yes, I went to her Grandma's house to gather her up so she could endure a 45 minute automobile ride to recover at my house. I only went to her aid because my husband was tired of the phone calls. K'Leetah even told Grandma she'd be just fine given the chance to lay in her misery a while longer. Sunday morning she (daughter) ate pancakes and bacon and left around 1 p.m. to spend the remainder of the day with a friend.
My only real guilt in all this was that I didn't want to retrieve her in the first place. She has been removed from my home a total of five times, for refusing to follow our program - go to school or get a job. It seems very simple to me, but I am older and maybe my vision is cluttered.
Any how, later that Sunday, Daughter's Grandma called, asking to be included in any birthday celebrations I planned. I really hadn't planned anything. I offered to take her to dinner on the weekend of her birthday. (I even got the brilliant idea to take her go-cart racing to get her more familiar with driving). I really wouldn't ever want to eat a meal with my ex family.
Wednesday, February 19, 2003
Friends
I have this great friend. She is a Radiology Technician and she is also a mom, a wife, an employee and a person. She and I are the best of pals and when we have troubles, we 'vent' to each other. I have another great friend...same bio - she and I also have a great relationship. I never knew I could have friends who were also female - being that I female too and when I was growing up the friends I wanted were very self-involved and shallow (the "in crowd"). The friends I had were like me (or they were guys), until high school. Then they went their separate ways - one took all the business courses, one join that 'in crowd', another moved away. The guys slowly disappeared as I realized their main goal. I took the education route until my dad divorced my step mom - then I traveled the path of least resistance - ditched class, ran away, etc. Now my friends are mature (not too mature), employed, responsible people. I really like the friends I have attracted.
I have this great friend. She is a Radiology Technician and she is also a mom, a wife, an employee and a person. She and I are the best of pals and when we have troubles, we 'vent' to each other. I have another great friend...same bio - she and I also have a great relationship. I never knew I could have friends who were also female - being that I female too and when I was growing up the friends I wanted were very self-involved and shallow (the "in crowd"). The friends I had were like me (or they were guys), until high school. Then they went their separate ways - one took all the business courses, one join that 'in crowd', another moved away. The guys slowly disappeared as I realized their main goal. I took the education route until my dad divorced my step mom - then I traveled the path of least resistance - ditched class, ran away, etc. Now my friends are mature (not too mature), employed, responsible people. I really like the friends I have attracted.
The Long, Long Week
Husband is out of town, building a putting green in Yuma, Arizona. I have never had trouble sleeping when he's been gone before - so I am quite unhappy to report that I can't sleep - it's been three days and I have logged 12 total hours (okay, maybe 15 hours) of sleep. I am exhausted. Yesterday I skipped school and focused on son and his homework. He did his math assignment while I read my math book. We discovered that he and I are doing exactly the same math - basic algebra. He is grasping the concepts much better than I - he hasn't learned a different way - and he does not seem to have the 'control' issues I have acquired over the years. He is very willing to believe what the teacher tells him, while I challenge the rules of math. I learned that I can learn something new.
Husband is out of town, building a putting green in Yuma, Arizona. I have never had trouble sleeping when he's been gone before - so I am quite unhappy to report that I can't sleep - it's been three days and I have logged 12 total hours (okay, maybe 15 hours) of sleep. I am exhausted. Yesterday I skipped school and focused on son and his homework. He did his math assignment while I read my math book. We discovered that he and I are doing exactly the same math - basic algebra. He is grasping the concepts much better than I - he hasn't learned a different way - and he does not seem to have the 'control' issues I have acquired over the years. He is very willing to believe what the teacher tells him, while I challenge the rules of math. I learned that I can learn something new.
Monday, February 17, 2003
Our Love Is Strong
I spent a very nice weekend remembering why I married the second husband. Especially when he was helping me with my Basic Algebra homework. Basic my ass! I don't know how he puts up with me sometimes and every night I am glad he does. He is so wonderful and loving. 11 years and I love him more than ever. In a real way - I love that when I think of him I still smile hugely.
We spent Saturday afternoon together. Saw the "Dare Devil" movie, had dinner at our favorite Italian restaurant, rented movies and spent the evening just holding hands and eating popcorn in bed.
He loves me in the most fundamental ways - like when I am the least loveable.
I remember every day that it's not how many years two people spend together that's most important, but HOW those years are spent.
I love you...Always.
I spent a very nice weekend remembering why I married the second husband. Especially when he was helping me with my Basic Algebra homework. Basic my ass! I don't know how he puts up with me sometimes and every night I am glad he does. He is so wonderful and loving. 11 years and I love him more than ever. In a real way - I love that when I think of him I still smile hugely.
We spent Saturday afternoon together. Saw the "Dare Devil" movie, had dinner at our favorite Italian restaurant, rented movies and spent the evening just holding hands and eating popcorn in bed.
He loves me in the most fundamental ways - like when I am the least loveable.
I remember every day that it's not how many years two people spend together that's most important, but HOW those years are spent.
I love you...Always.
You've Lost That Lovin' Feelin'
Friend's spouse moved out last weekend (prior to the Heart Holiday). Friend confided that feelings not expected arrived ten-fold. Numbness, guilt, a feeling of 'letting down' offspring, and having to admit to self that it was actually over. I can't imagine as I left my first spouse WAY before fifteen years of marriage had passed. But I CAN relate to the feeling of having let the child down. I was in it for the long haul. It got difficult (I was twenty) and I bailed - with child. Today I still feel (even after making another go of that first marriage when child was two) like I let the child down by not trying harder, putting up with the unhappiness...etc. I KNOW I did a better thing for my child by leaving, but I know what Friend is going through when it comes to the kids.
Friend has a new love, a current love and Friend is blossoming into someone Friend would not have been if Friend tried to 'put up with the unhappiness' - still hurts like hell though.
Love and Peace to you Friend.
Friend's spouse moved out last weekend (prior to the Heart Holiday). Friend confided that feelings not expected arrived ten-fold. Numbness, guilt, a feeling of 'letting down' offspring, and having to admit to self that it was actually over. I can't imagine as I left my first spouse WAY before fifteen years of marriage had passed. But I CAN relate to the feeling of having let the child down. I was in it for the long haul. It got difficult (I was twenty) and I bailed - with child. Today I still feel (even after making another go of that first marriage when child was two) like I let the child down by not trying harder, putting up with the unhappiness...etc. I KNOW I did a better thing for my child by leaving, but I know what Friend is going through when it comes to the kids.
Friend has a new love, a current love and Friend is blossoming into someone Friend would not have been if Friend tried to 'put up with the unhappiness' - still hurts like hell though.
Love and Peace to you Friend.
Respect Yourself.
I am pondering why one person would allow another person to speak rudely to them on a daily basis.
My Coworker routinely speaks to the Boss with condesending, badgering tones. The way the Boss is spoken to would be unacceptable to me - IS unacceptable to me. I wouldn't put up with it from anyone. Why a Boss would put up with it from an employee is beyond me.
I want to step in, make a scene, make an example, but ya know...it ain't my issue...I think. I DO have to listen to the disrespect and undermining of Bosses reputation. Coworker sits in the cubicle next to mine and everyone in the department is subject to Coworkers outburst's. Coworker offers many excuses (endless excuses to explain the actions of this Coworker - sick, too much stress, not enought hours in the day, Boss is on diet, Husband is unreasonable slob...I mean endless and it never comes back around to the Coworker maybe owning some part of it), and false apologies are made from Coworker to the Boss as if saying 'Sorry" eleven times a day makes acting like a bitch okay. The ONE time Coworker spoke to me in such a manner, I respected myself and told Coworker I would not be spoken to as if I was less than human. Never happened again.
Grow a backbone Boss....
I am pondering why one person would allow another person to speak rudely to them on a daily basis.
My Coworker routinely speaks to the Boss with condesending, badgering tones. The way the Boss is spoken to would be unacceptable to me - IS unacceptable to me. I wouldn't put up with it from anyone. Why a Boss would put up with it from an employee is beyond me.
I want to step in, make a scene, make an example, but ya know...it ain't my issue...I think. I DO have to listen to the disrespect and undermining of Bosses reputation. Coworker sits in the cubicle next to mine and everyone in the department is subject to Coworkers outburst's. Coworker offers many excuses (endless excuses to explain the actions of this Coworker - sick, too much stress, not enought hours in the day, Boss is on diet, Husband is unreasonable slob...I mean endless and it never comes back around to the Coworker maybe owning some part of it), and false apologies are made from Coworker to the Boss as if saying 'Sorry" eleven times a day makes acting like a bitch okay. The ONE time Coworker spoke to me in such a manner, I respected myself and told Coworker I would not be spoken to as if I was less than human. Never happened again.
Grow a backbone Boss....
Friday, February 14, 2003
Not sure....what to write...haven't beenhere in a while. If only....
I had a cordless laptop.
I had a million dollars.
I had a grasp on reality.
2-4-03 - First day of college class and house was robbed. Burgler took my child's PlayStation2. I saved for many months and placed this item on lay-away so I could afford it. I guess I shoulda just stolen one. All my child's games that go with the PS2. My child's Gameboy Advance. All our DVD's (except Madonna and The Shawshank Redemption). All my jewlery, given to me by my husband and my father; even one item from my retired boss and the bracelet my child gave me. Even the three dollars in dimes from my change can (that's how I know it was a person who knows me. The apartment wasn't ransacked...only these items were taken - and the change, by someone who knew what was in the can).
It's just stuff...and yes, that's correct. No one hurt my child, who took the bus home that day. Violated, but unharmed. It took my child seven days to feel safe sleeping in his own room.
2-5-03 - Called police to take report and fingerprints. Growing marijuana on the patio is a bad thing. One plant - felony charge for cultivation. Off to jail I went to experienced the kindness of officers who think I'm an idiot. I suppose I am. I could have yanked the plant and thrown it over the fence...but noooooo, I led the officers right to it. I had nine long hours to think about my life and the direction I was taking. By the time I was released (on my own recognizance or "O.R.'ed" for you other 'criminals') I had given up the bad bud...not act of temporary insanity (although I did 'slip' once on Wednesday, but the feeling was not a good one and I decided to close that chapter once and for all).
2-6-03 - Having removed teenage (one month shy of eighteen) from my home following robbery, I was confronted by said teen at 11:00 p.m. Thursday evening after my second night of class. Teen did not understand why she had to go (move out), when she clearly did not steal our things. I stated (once again) that I would not allow anyone who was not enrolled in school or working and contributing to just 'hang out' in my home and eat my food and use my phone and facilities. If she had locked the back door or removed her pot pipe from the coffee table prior to leaving the aprtment that previous Tuesday, maybe we wouldn't have been robbed. She actually threw back at me that she was ONLY seventeen. This excuse may have cut mud, if not for the facts - no school and no job after many, many months. I said 'good night, I love you, lock the door when you leave' and I went to bed.
Today is Valentine's Day. Spread the Love.
I had a cordless laptop.
I had a million dollars.
I had a grasp on reality.
2-4-03 - First day of college class and house was robbed. Burgler took my child's PlayStation2. I saved for many months and placed this item on lay-away so I could afford it. I guess I shoulda just stolen one. All my child's games that go with the PS2. My child's Gameboy Advance. All our DVD's (except Madonna and The Shawshank Redemption). All my jewlery, given to me by my husband and my father; even one item from my retired boss and the bracelet my child gave me. Even the three dollars in dimes from my change can (that's how I know it was a person who knows me. The apartment wasn't ransacked...only these items were taken - and the change, by someone who knew what was in the can).
It's just stuff...and yes, that's correct. No one hurt my child, who took the bus home that day. Violated, but unharmed. It took my child seven days to feel safe sleeping in his own room.
2-5-03 - Called police to take report and fingerprints. Growing marijuana on the patio is a bad thing. One plant - felony charge for cultivation. Off to jail I went to experienced the kindness of officers who think I'm an idiot. I suppose I am. I could have yanked the plant and thrown it over the fence...but noooooo, I led the officers right to it. I had nine long hours to think about my life and the direction I was taking. By the time I was released (on my own recognizance or "O.R.'ed" for you other 'criminals') I had given up the bad bud...not act of temporary insanity (although I did 'slip' once on Wednesday, but the feeling was not a good one and I decided to close that chapter once and for all).
2-6-03 - Having removed teenage (one month shy of eighteen) from my home following robbery, I was confronted by said teen at 11:00 p.m. Thursday evening after my second night of class. Teen did not understand why she had to go (move out), when she clearly did not steal our things. I stated (once again) that I would not allow anyone who was not enrolled in school or working and contributing to just 'hang out' in my home and eat my food and use my phone and facilities. If she had locked the back door or removed her pot pipe from the coffee table prior to leaving the aprtment that previous Tuesday, maybe we wouldn't have been robbed. She actually threw back at me that she was ONLY seventeen. This excuse may have cut mud, if not for the facts - no school and no job after many, many months. I said 'good night, I love you, lock the door when you leave' and I went to bed.
Today is Valentine's Day. Spread the Love.
Monday, February 03, 2003
Following Up: The Truck
The truck WAS towed for expired tags.
Okay - it would cost me another $1,500 (U.S.) to bring the truck 'up to code' and pass a smog - maybe.
I could do one of two things...
First Thing:
A) Go to the DMV, Pay to Register the Truck (without smog) and Obtain a 24-hour 'okay to drive' permit. - $100
B) Then Go to Police Station and Have Truck Released. - $50
C) FInally, go to the tow company and pay them in order to retain a truck that won't run, can't be smogged and needs $2000 in repairs. - $90
OR
Second Thing:
A) Take Tow company pink slip and $90 - they dispose of expensive to fix, crappy truck. Done.
Sounds easy, right? Wrong. I get to tow company and wait for ten minutes for a guy to get off the phone while three drivers and a guy making coffee stood around, ignoring me, talking about the weekend. When I finally get some attention, the guy I called before I got here, well he tells me the tow company needs a BILL OF SALE. One from the original seller to us, and another one from us to the towcompany. I asked a lot of questions over the phone to the very gentleman who tells me this NEW information. I ask what he needs - he never mentions a bill of sale. Geez!
Live and learn...
Tomorrow evening is my first day of school. Math = Algebra. Basic, high school freshman algebra. Wish me luck!
Gotsta go...
The truck WAS towed for expired tags.
Okay - it would cost me another $1,500 (U.S.) to bring the truck 'up to code' and pass a smog - maybe.
I could do one of two things...
First Thing:
A) Go to the DMV, Pay to Register the Truck (without smog) and Obtain a 24-hour 'okay to drive' permit. - $100
B) Then Go to Police Station and Have Truck Released. - $50
C) FInally, go to the tow company and pay them in order to retain a truck that won't run, can't be smogged and needs $2000 in repairs. - $90
OR
Second Thing:
A) Take Tow company pink slip and $90 - they dispose of expensive to fix, crappy truck. Done.
Sounds easy, right? Wrong. I get to tow company and wait for ten minutes for a guy to get off the phone while three drivers and a guy making coffee stood around, ignoring me, talking about the weekend. When I finally get some attention, the guy I called before I got here, well he tells me the tow company needs a BILL OF SALE. One from the original seller to us, and another one from us to the towcompany. I asked a lot of questions over the phone to the very gentleman who tells me this NEW information. I ask what he needs - he never mentions a bill of sale. Geez!
Live and learn...
Tomorrow evening is my first day of school. Math = Algebra. Basic, high school freshman algebra. Wish me luck!
Gotsta go...
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