It's been along day and it's ending with Spouse's ugly truck having diappeared..As I type I am on the phone wit the police, attempting to detemine if: 1) they towed it; or 2) it was stolen. I hope it was stolen >> insurance, baby! BUt, as is our luck - it ws probably towed because the registration is expired and we can't afford all the work required to bring it up to 'code'. I guess the silver lining is that we don't have to register it or insure it anymore.

I'll let ya know.

Son is really enjoying karate. Daughter is making an effort to become an adult. I am backing her - again - because: 1) no one backed me, or 2) I know she is capable and just needs one person to NOT GIVE UP.

Other Son is well - got a job washing diesel trucks. Other Daughter is still working at Michael's.

Dad is selling house. Life is tough all over.

It's Thursday - I spoke to Amarillo Daughter about Amarillo Son. The bb in th ehead was truly a 'stupid accident' and not the end of a fight...I must always remember to consider the source. He feels very humbled and it scared the beegeezus out of him. Good.

Sunday my seventeen year old stepson ended a fight with his sixteen year old girlfriend by shooting himself in the temple with a bb gun. He is okay (whatever...) but he will always have a bb lodged in his temple. His mother - Arrgh - actually lied to police about how the bb ended up in my son's head. She was afraid the police might commit him for observation - attempted suicide and all...I think she is a sick puppy, not seeing a very obvious sign of depression in her son. I thank God that he only had a bb gun.

I wish I could talk to him...he needs someone sane to listen. He needs his mom, but she is unavailable, obviously. His Dad may be concerned on the inside, but outwardly his son is "an idiot who could have lost work over this...". Shit!

I feel I will soon lose my stepson over this....for good, permanently - what a loss...

Otherwise it was a fine weekend. Youngest forgot to write sumamry paragraphs for each chapter of a 29 chapter book and spent all weekend, reading and writing then taking a break, then reading and writing. Daughter visited for the weekend and I want to believe that she seeks sanity by visiting....could just be the free food.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life....what do I want?

I want to have a clear direction...

I want to move to Albuquerque New Mexico and begin anew. I am not running from anything, but rather to something....to a different perspective.

Have you ever tried to balance a budget? People give the politicians a hard time because there is always a deficit. How many people actually stuck to the 'plan' and have not bounced a check, or made a late payment or are even in serious debt? So lay off the politicians.... I forgot to write down one payment and almost spent the money on another item. Dang! (the immortal word of Friend).

Nothing deep today. It takes time to calm the brain and find something worthy of retrospect or insight...I haven't got that time at this moment....

"Today is the first day of the rest of your life".

How many times have YOU heard that line? I hear it everytime I tell my Pop about a particularly bad day. I find myself saying this to my daughter as she flounders in her newfound adulthood status. It's hard to explain - the past is just that - The Past. It's over, it cannot be retrieved or changed. Begin with now. You may have to make some amends or apologies or whatever term you use for fixing the mistakes of the past.

What a great weekend! I discovered that because my husband works on Saturdays, I fill my Saturday - maybe so I don't feel guilty?

Saturday I met my sister at the Los Angeles Airport (9:00a-PST) when she picked her daughter up after Caitlan spent two weeks in Amarillo with her Dad. After eating breakfast at McDonalds, my son and I headed farther North to visit (10:30a) my mom and my brother's son. We spent a few hours catching up while my son and my nephew played videos games. After a trip to McDonald's for lunch, Son and I then headed out to Ontario (1:45p) to visit one of my best friends. I arrived to find her putting a second color on her recently dyed (to even out the color) tresses. She and her neighbor were attempting to add highlights, but instead they managed to make her hair look just like it did before they had begun to color it. We had a great laugh about that. One more drive to head home (4:15p), stopping to pick up Daughter who was caught up in her teenage drama, so she could care for Son while Spouse and I visited one more set of friends, up in Fullerton, for a batrbecue. That adventure involved a keg of beer, a pool table and the best carne asada I've had in a while! We got home at 11:00p. That was Saturday for me.

Sunday I had a goal - to find the skateboard trucks and make room in the garage for Spouse's truck. I accomplished both goals and I am ready for the work week!

A co-worker is leaving for her new home in Nevada on Friday, so Wednesday a group of us will be taking her to lunch. I haven't decided where or what time yet, but I am working on that.

It's been a long weekend. I can sleep well knowing I make good use of it. Next weekend....slacker city!

Damn! I was too tired to Blog last night. I watched 'The Sum of All Fears' instead. Hindsight is 20/20: I would not recommend this movie as a 'right before dropping off to sleep' movie. Spouse had evil dreams all night. Oops.

Had lunch with Friend yesterday. We hadn't had 'time' in a while. I wanted to catch-up and Friend is goint through a divorce. I was asking questions, as a concerned friend and for topic matter: Do the kids know what's going on? Do they know why Friend is sleeping downstairs? Are there family dicussions (as these are very important to the integrity of the family - having been there, on both sides and all). Friend asked that we change the subject as it was bringing Friend down. Okay, we discussed my college plans, Friend's restoration project and an upcoming concert Friend and Friend's love interest are going to attend. It was a nice lunch but I am concerned that we will not lunch again, if I bring up the divorce thing. hmmmmm

WORK: Yesterday was a bear. I took just enough time to have lunch with Friend; otherwise, it was work for 9 hours straight and home to crash.

Okay - fine - I can't post. Error:503, whatever that is...

Saw Dr. D this evening. Told him all my big plans (college), my fears (college), my daily goal of getting it together ('it' being my shit, of course).

I had a pretty good day. Hooked up with an old friend ("Friend"). Friend was on hiatus (sp?); okay, I placed Friend on hiatus. Friend was becoming friends with someone I don't trust my secrets to ("Other Friend") and Friend did. Of course, Other Friend told me all the secrets and Other Friend's opinion of them as well. Enough about Other Friend...and Friend.

I bounced some checks yesterday. I thought I had it all covered, but one or two meals out and I screwed it up again. That feeling, the self-berating that begins when I discover I bounced a check. It's like an alcoholic who wakes up after 'slipping'. Guilt, shame, remorse....so Friday I begin using that darn check register that came with the checks. Should be an adventure.

College: I took the Math Placement test Tuesday. I skipped all the questions I felt hesitant about and I placed in Elementary Algebra (Freshman HIgh School level). Hey, I've gotta start somewhere. I start on February 4th at 7:00 p.m. Wish me luck.

One more thing...

that darned New Year's Resolution list.

I have a friend who suggested I write all my regrets of the past year and then burn them at midnight at the end of the year. Enter the new year fresh and free.

I didn't write the list.

I will write it now.

Okay - I'll burn it at lunchtime. Noon. That's kinda like midnight.

ON TO THE RESOLUTIONS FOR 2003:
1. Complete three (3) classes toward my AA degree goal by December 31, 2003.
2. Write on this page once a week.
3. Follow my budget...even if I need to sacrifice for the budget.
4. Spend time with my husband and son.
5. Let my older children learn for themselves.
6. Get to the end of the year with a little money saved.

I wonder how many of those will still be with me in March. We'll see.

My last entry, last year....my friend who is married to an alcoholic. He is not abusive, just self-destructive. She decided to keep him. She decided to try and function even though he is not functioning like an equal, healthy partner. It's her life....but I can't help thinking that in a few years she'll wonder why she waited so long. I'll still be here, accepting her decisions as hers....I think.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

I decided to complete college. Then I had to decide what I wanted to become. I had to think of all the jobs I've already done. I had to include all the things I enjoy and the things I can't stand. I like variety. I like logic. I like to use the computer. I like to investigate, research and solve problems.

I decided to become a Professional Legal Secretary/Paralegal. I took my Math Assessment this morning and I am going to be taking the Math Elementary Algebra class at my local college.

I feel like I have a direction now. I have eight more years before my last child turns 18. I want to be able to move forward when he moves on and now I feel like I have a place to head toward.

Feels good...solid....right.....

Wednesday...have been sick and out of work since Monday. Today I feel much better.

I have a friend who is in the middle of chaos. She might consider divorce. I have been a less than worthy friend. Sometimes when a friend of mine grows in a direction I cannot condone I back off. And this time she dug in deep.

I had to confess to an old lie (silence) and once I did I felt much freer. I have upset my friend's husband though...since the lie (silence) included him. He has become an abusive alcoholic who is into blaming others when he messes up. It is never his fault (he claims). This man, who has not yet attended a school function or personal function of his now 13 year old son actually told a friend that he won't divorce because of the son...such bull*&%$.

So I have offered a shoulder. I sent her an amends about my selfishness while she was in hell. I must also practice rigorous honesty with this old friend. I have discovered that while people have things they'd like to hear - to make them happy and feel likeable --, if those things are not true and only perpetuate 'the stroke factor' (as in we stroked each other and the lies were bearable), then it does more harm in the long run than good. Ya know?

Okay? OKAY!

One more thing...

September 11, 2002: Driving to work...in the next lane is a school bus. I never noticed just how big a school bus is. One filled with explosives? Shit. I was very somber on my way to work.

Nothing but memorials happened this year. And yet the entire world felt like a rubber band, stretched to its limit.

Okay....done.

One more thing and then I'll probably let this go for good and move into the future:

The quiet. Wait...the QUIET. I was born after planes were commonplace. I have never had the pleasure of cocking an ear to the heavens to hear nothing. I've been camping in some remote spots and the silence of nature has ALWAYS been cut by the hum of a plane or a helicopter. Even when I couldn't see the aircraft I could hear it.

The day after the attack and continuing for about a week there were no aircraft. It was so QUIET. In the beginning I missed it. The silence after an entire lifetime of planes flying overhead, a kind of white noise that blends in and is a part of everything. Then I got use to the QUIET and to the clear sky. I was actually irritated when the aircraft were allowed to return to the skies.

I don't think I'll ever forget that week of QUIET and I hope I never hear it again.

Yes, another September 11, 2001 notation:

My significant other and I were laying in the dark last night, discussing the EVENT. We were talking about that first night after the attack. All air flight of any kind had been cancelled indefinately. We were up quite late talking about the EVENT with our children and when we finally went to sleep it was a light sleep, the kind a new mother experiences as she keeps one ear open for the cries of her newborn.

Around 3:30 a.m. here on the Pacific Coast, I woke up rather suddenly. I heard a sound. I heard a plane. Very early in the morning. The day after the EVENT. When ALL flights had been grounded indefinately. I have never felt fear like that before or since. I remember wondering what a plane was doing in the air. Where was the pilot headed and was this a friendly if ignorant pilot or was I going to hear (or later read about) the explosion?

I finally fell asleep again long after the drone of the engines faded.

The next morning our local radio program mentioned the early morning flight, letting all the listeners know that a supply plane had been sent out in the wee hours. They also included an apology from the Armed Services for any panic they may have caused.

Nice of them to let us in on it.

I have given great thought to the question: "What in your life has changed since September 11, 2001?"

I have checked out several blogs on the topic - the general concensus among bloggers is this: "It happened. It's over. Move on."

I ask - how can one move on, if one didn't know where one was to begin with? And to the comment: "It's over!" I reply - Bullshit.

It wasn't over before it happened and it is no closer to closure than it was a year ago. Every day a bus, or a car or a person blows up Afghanistan or a surrounding city. EVERY DAY.

I remember a few months ago, my husband telling me a bus was missing from the Los Angeles Public Bus company - RTD. I thought, So? And then he said one word: Terrorists. And I felt fear. That sucks. It's not over.

It will be different though. I taught my 10 year old child how to escape from three different kinds of buses. How to use the emergency exit on a plane. How to call international numbers - just in case.

I will be different. People who act as if the acts of another nation do not directly affect the USA are ignorant. In denial. Have faith?

I know that I do not think about the ramifications on a daily basis. It comes up when people get together and need a topic. Everyone has a different opinion (really?) of how our President should be handling this thing. I wouldn't want THAT job for anything.

I decided that the things I can change involve me. My health. My future employment. My financial stats. My belief in that higher power. My kindness to others. The example I set for those who observe me.

I was told once by a very wise man that if I change one small thing about me, the world will be changed.

I have a list.

September 11, 2001

It has been almost one year since I received that call at 6:15 a.m. PST from my husband. I was half-awake. I turned the television on, entered the channel for CNN and saw the most unforgetful sight of my life. One of the World Trade Towers was burning. While my children and I watched, a second plane crashed into the other tower. In a span of what seemed like seconds, the two towers burned and then one by one they fell to the street below, crushing coutless firemen and policemen as well as thousands of employees who worked in those towers.

I have no idea how far the distance is between Southern California and New York City, but that morning the distance felt much too close.

Now, today, this past week, into next week, the media begins the 'Where Were YOu?" and "What Have Your Changed About Your LIfe?" segments of this tragedy. This eye-opening event.

There is a song by which contains this line: "It's The End Of The World As We Know It." This line is followed by "...And I Feel Fine."

I feel different. What's different? My innocence is one thing. I no longer look at a certain race of people the same. I attempt to keep an open mind, but it's harder when I read about the daily killings on the other side of the world. Suicide bombers, busses exploding, innocent people killed inthe name of what?

The way I relate to my family is more solid and more real. I still see a future. My future now involves paying attention to where camping supply stores are located, which foods would last longer, and the best way to leave town should the need arise. I believe education is more important than ever, if only to dissipate ignorance. We need to know why a country would cause so much death in the name of an unseen face. A belief in a savior that would encourage this type of 'Love'.

My friends are true friends. No time to make casual acquaintences. It's a waste of my time to hang with people who are not interested in truth and intergrity and high moral and ethical values.

So what is different about me? I remain available to set an example of positive growth - since we never stop learning about the human condition - and I have fewer possessions. Books remain and music, but a broader base of music. I am slowly learning Spanish. I am taking more time with my photographs.

Monday was a bust! Thank God for cable!

I was home sick and while we still have no phone, I made do with the 60 cable channels we signed up for on Saturday. How could so many channels exist with very little substance among them? I'll have to look into this.

Living from paycheck to paycheck is actually a very important to my personal, mental growth. I have learned to live without, and to live within my means. I have discovered the difference between a need and a want. I am enjoying the time my husband and I spend at the grocery store. I am enjoying books again and gardening. Cooking is becoming a diversion too.

I also had my anit-depressant dosage increased and last week I received my first increased dosage. (I take Celexa and I began, for over a year, with 20 mg per day/this was increased to 40 mg per day a week ago) I have noticed an increase in sleepiness and I can't seem to think actively. After a week of this I cut the dose back to 20 mg. (I break the tablets in half) Today I feel in a fog as its the first day at the original dose, but this afternoon I am making better progress.

That's all for now.

God,

Grant me the SERENITY to ACCEPT the things I cannot change,

Grant me the COURAGE to CHANGE the things I can,

and

Grant me the WISDOM to know the difference.

thank you

Where have you been?

I've been busy.

Doin' what?

Living life, man!

No, really - whatcha been up to?

Okay, but remember YOU asked...

I am having a hard time 'letting go' of my teenagers. They have made their choices and I know the choices are hard ones and I want to save them from themselves -- and I know I can't, but my nature doesn't care...because it's in my nature to care and protect my children.

Last night I retrieved my daughter from a motel room where she's been hanging out since Sunday night. I only knew she was 'missing' when her father called me Wednesday evening, asking me if I knew 'where in the hell' our daughter might be hiding.

I went to the motel after calling a friend of hers and told her it was time to go. She assumed she was still watching her younger brother this morning (another story) and got in the van. As I pulled away I told her that I didn't need her to watch her brother after all. She freaked when I calmly told her I was taking her back to her Dad. She argued that she couldn't get in to the room and I told her, again very calmly, that he had made an extra key and it was in the front office (they also live in a motel at this time). She was silent for the rest of the thirty minute drive, only sniffling quietly. I am having a hard time because I can see the listless, directionless path she is on -- using people until they ditch her or toss her out, then moving on to the next set of people to use. It was so hard to be tough and not give in to her suffering. At the resident hotel, I reminded her that she caused her current suffering. I also told her only she could make her life better. I reminded her that getting a job would put money in her pocket. She argued that she was too far wawy from her friends, didn't like the area, why couldn't her Dad live closer to her friends - pretty much whining about her 'victim' role instead of thinking of solutions. I kept my talking brief - which is not easy for me to do - and she reached a point when my words made sense and she couldn't retort so, having heard as much as she wanted, she hid her head in a pillow and told me she didn't want to talk about this topic anymore. I told her she could hide now, but the issue wouldn't die until she did something different. Then I left, leaving her with her father. This morning I called her, as I do after we've both had some time to think, but her Dad told me she was now at her grandmother's, caring for her. He has ditched this responsibility whenever he finds the chance, so I suppose she is taking after him at this moment.

I do want my daughetr to be happy and successful and content and pleased and all that. I also know that her future is up to her. All I can do is be her parent until she's eighteen. Then I'll hear the "I'm an adult now" speech. I'll pray after that.

Other than that, my focus has been on attending to my nine year old and holding my breath between paychecks.

Hey, you asked.