"The Camel's back" or "Help me, I've fallen...."

Man, have I f%&#ed up the finances of my family in a royal way! I find that I keep trying to 'blame' other things for this current situation - kids, husband, bank, new biz, etc. While I am not completely responsible, I am mostly responsible. And I am beginning to fray at the edges...

A single straw: Sunday, after checking the bank account for funds, I went grocery shopping. At the checkout stand the impersonal ATM console calmly read "insufficient amount". I calmly replied, "I know I have enough, so I'll just get cash from the ATM machine". After becoming increasingly frustrated at the machine, I realized something - an order for my new biz to be exact - was holding up the funds. I don't know if you have ever had to ask the kind and patient clerks to restock all those groceries before, but this is the fourth time I've had this happen to me since March. I know its my own fault. It doesn't help. The feeling that accompanies the thought that I am being stared at and judged by total strangers really brings me down.

I went home, pulled some cash from the yard sale cash box and headed to another store, with a shorter list. Problem resloved, for now.

A single straw - we have to move. This was not in the plan and the timing, while never just right, is absolutely horrible right now. Doesn't matter though. We were handed a "THIRTY DAYS TO TERMINATE TENANCY" notice on June 20th. No explanation from the Landlord as to why (they don't have to tell you if they give you 30 days - California law - it protects them from a 'retaliatory eviction' lawsuit). We were upset, we were stressed out, but we didn't know the half of it.

A single straw - I found out, on Saturday, that my step-son ditched the last week of school. Not only did he ditch; he had a party at my house on the 19th (and we were asked to move on the 20th). Typical of a 16 year old boy, you say, and perhaps you're right, except that --
EVERYDAY I asked him how his school day went (he was having trouble with some other boys), how he handled himself, how each class was.
EVERYDAY I offered a shoulder to lean on while he managed a break-up with his girlfriend.
EVERYDAY he lied to me.
And he had a party in our home AFTER many, many instances in the past, and strict instructions that the landlord was not pleased with his lack of respect. He knowingly jeopardized our tenancy and he is the reason we were asked to move. And he lied to my face, to my heart, all week....
I am having a very hard time with this as I bought into his deceit - I trust way too easily and way too much. I believe in the best in people. UGH!

ONWARD :
We found a place to live. We gave a $1000 deposit Today. We may get to move in before the holiday weekend.

The new landlord will expect the rent - we won't have it until July 12th. In addition, we owe $3,600 to various accounts - the gas company, the phone company, a slew of doctors and dentists, past due subscriptions, bounced debit fees, etc, etc, etc....

I sat in my car on Sunday, after the grocery thing, and cried. I know its the punk thing to do, but I couldn't help it. A person can only take so much and then they can't take no more. I couldn't take anymore - granted most of the suffering is self-induced. When you get in this deep, how do you ever get out?

I feel helpless. Friends suggest escaping, but I've been in denial and 'escape' for long enough - if I'd been paying attention, I wouldn't be in this mess. Friends suggest lots because they care and because they are friends I supress the urge to scream, "YEA! I F%#&ED UP AND NOW I'M IN A CREEK WITHOUT PADDLES, OR A BOAT FOR THAT MATTER! I CAN'T 'ESCAPE' ANYMORE, I CAN'T PAY THESE BILLS ON THE SCHEDULE THE CREDITORS SET. I WOULD LIKE YOU TO SHUT THE F&#* UP NOW.

So I've become a loner...one of my friends called me Saturday and was very cautious while we talked. Then she suggested a kick-boxing class - to relieve stress. I asked how much? She said I could pay her back when I got back on my feet. She doesn't understand, even after trying to explain it to her that I do not want to owe anyone any amount of money. Not now, not ever and especially not my friends. It has nothing to do with pride or humility (okay, maybe a bit) but what it really has to do with is my learning to change my old habits, to replace them with healthy ones and when a friend offers to assist me by helping me dig a deeper hole, well, it took all I had not to hang up. Not because I was angry, but because I didn't want to talk about it anymore with someone who is not me.

TO SUM UP:
I am angry with my stepson for leading me and lying to me.
I am angry with me for buying into it.
I've been asked to move - unhappy - and found a place - happy
I am in debt up to my earlobes (hmmm) feeling very overwhelmed
I feel alone in the world, even if I am an "average" American - yuck!

My father once told me this:
"Pain is inevitable, Suffering is optional"

that's all for now.....