One Evening this week

Just wanted to report on the evening - the first thing I did when I got home was to change clothes and play my Wii game, ANIMAL CROSSING.  (I had to water my turnip)

After about 40 minutes of that, messing with my computer (I reset the virus scan and Microsoft Live One programs, so they would not come on EVERYTIME I turned on the damn laptop) and talking to my friend Tina C of Fullerton, I prepared a 2.5 lb Tri Tip for the barbecue using the three steps Stubbs barbecue process (dry rub and moppin' sauce, to start) - heated up the barbecue, and cooked the meat for eight minutes on each side, twice.  Rested it for five minutes and served with Stubbs barbecue sauce.  My son actually asked me to teach him how to make it.  :-)  I served it with boiled red potatoes, carrots, garlic and a yellow onion, mashed with a stick of butter, some milk and salt and pepper.  I usally have leftover veggies, but not tonight.

After dinner we watched ROLE MODELS and, surprisingly, it was better than I thought it would be.  Funny and meaningful, in an adolescent sort of way.  Also a few good KISS songs...

Dishes done, journal written in for the evening and that's that.

I saw JULIE AND JULIA last night, and the blogging made me think - what could I blog about that MIGHT get me followers? And why would I want followers? Just depends on what I wrote about, huh?

I'll think of some things, and maybe get some focus and go with that... I am beginning another course toward my AA degree next Monday evening - Beginning Photoshop - so I can share that.  And my husband and I are going to be godparents to our little buddy Victor, so I've got that to share.

I watch a few movies a week - I could share about those too.

Until tomorrow....

Shhhhh... Meditating

I attempted meditation this morning - clearing my mind, resting awake, seeking the quiet center of my being, silently waiting to hear my Higher Power's plan for me today.

I occasionally meditate early each morning, after my shower and before my breakfast. I sit quietly on the edge of my bed and attempt to empty my mind of all those thoughts that try to invade my quiet. Thoughts like 'the edge of this bed is weak, I need a new bed' and 'is that the cat?'

When I pray for others following my meditation - which usually lasts about four minutes - I usually begin with "God, please watch over [your name here] today, and give them everything I want and everything they need." More often than not, when I am praying for the first person, and I get to 'everything I want' my head jumps right to money. I push it away, but it always comes. Pushing the thoughts about money away gets easier and easier, but it still comes. I know that money is NOT the answer to everything, but I also think that having enough (and preferably MORE than enough) would make all the other aspects of life a little easier.

Then, I hear a friend share in a meeting, about his 26 years of sobriety and finally deciding he will not allow anyone to upset him anymore, ever. And he shares that at 30 years of sobriety (30 YEARS!) he lost everything, and finally realized that God is suppose to take care of him, and he can worry about where he will sleep and how he will get food, or he can finally surrender and trust that his Higher Power WILL take care of him. And he has wanted for nothing, nor has he worried about anything since that day six or so years ago. If you met him, you'd know he is sincere about this - he really doesn't worry about anything, he trusts that God, his Higher Power, will take care of him. Because he believes that it is God's job to care for him. And he has been shown his trust is valid. And I wonder if he could have had that trust early on, or if it is part of his process, that he had to heal enough to experience that trust, to believe, to realize.

And I think, Wow!, to actually, sincerely allow God to take care of the outcome, to trust that all will be well, that's growth. And I could have that now, instead of waiting another 25 years. Am I ready to place complete trust in my Higher Power, to set aside fear, and mistrust, and worry, leaving all the outcome to my Higher Power, and get on with the business of living, and serving?

All I have is today, and today I can choose to let God handle the outcome. Just for today.

So, as you can see, meditating for even four minutes is quite an accomplishment for me. I hope to work up to five minutes sometime soon.

Progress and Loneliness

I was thinking this morning about loneliness - about not having that one close friend who I could meet with once a week. A friendship I'd had for over 11 years came to an end rather unexpectedly in early December 2008. And while I was surprised that it ended, I was not unhappy about it. Since then, every once in a while, I miss it. I miss going to lunch or meeting for tea... but then I do something I was taught in 12 Step: play the tape through. And when I do that, when I remember all the reasons why I was glad that the friendship ended, then I don't miss it so much.

The epiphany I had this morning was that, in the past, if this had happened, I would have eventually chased it down, made up at the cost of my integrity and maintained an unhealthy relationship, just so I would have that 'friend.' Today, I'd rather wait for a real friend, a friend that I like to be around ALL the time, to come along, instead of 'settling' for that person to fill a space or a perceived need. The growth is that I let it go, and I didn't go back to 'fix it' or to 'make me right.'

I actually have a friend, who is a good friend, and a real friend. She lives farther away than I would like, and that makes it harder to visit on a regular basis, but I know I can trust her - to be honest, and to be quiet; to be real, and to be silly. She is true - messed up, and insecure at times, but living with it, dealing with it, and moving on in spite of it.

I love her - because she is my friend, because she calls me friend, and because if THAT friendship ended - I WOULD be sad, I WOULD miss her, and I WOULD hunt her down and make it right - unless she didn't want me to.

GRATITUDE

Every once in a while, I am reminded by some outside force to list the things I am grateful for - this is to get me out of my head, focused on something other than me and my issues, and to remember that for every annoying thing I perceive in my life, there are about 25 things that are amazing...

My husband, doing the dishes without being asked.
My friend asking me to help with the older kids while she and her husband have the next one.
My teenage son giving me a hug, just because.
My daughter sending me a funny email because it made her think of me.
My dad, who calls and leaves random, uplifting messages on my voicemail.
The job I have, which is pretty secure.
The talent I have to draw, to write, to take photos, to make friends.
The friends I have, who seem to like me for who I am.
The place I live, which has great weather, and the smell of the sea on the wind.
My cat, who is the sweetest cat and her pals, the rat sisters.
A wonderful co-worker, who could be my best friend, if I wasn't so scared to have a best friend at the moment.
A car that runs pretty well, and a job that is close enough that if the car stopped working it would be no big deal.
A class that is over tonight, and I passed. Even the Final Exam.
A mom and a dad and a step mom who love me.
A brother who doesn't need me, but who really loves me and wants to talk to me.
A sister who needs me but doesn't call me much.
A program for living so that I have a list of things to be grateful for...

Peace.

Back to bloggin'

It's been awhile, but I've decided to use this site to post what I want, when I want. I will be posting photos with stories, my own personal rants and possibly original ideas.

Stay tuned - you won't want to miss this new era!!

Peace!

Now I've discovered Twitter

Just a quick note, since I've been silent for so long. I signed up for Twitter, then I revisited it today. Not sure who will use it or why, but I'll let you know how it goes...

I've discovered myspace

I have a myspace site - because my adult children do, whichi s why there is so much time between my last post and this one - there is a blog on the myspace page.

I came back here to look up one of my past blogs and to let you know that I will return again.

Really - this site is not as distracting, more like a journal for others to read, and with my ADD tendencies, I prefer this one when I just need to post.

I do like the photo album feature and the bulletin feature and the many friends I can add and then just click to view their sites. It's a pretty cool thing. Okay - gotta go back to my email space.

Later.